Dear Pamela,
I am a 45 year old mother of three (one recent college graduate, one community college attendee, and one senior in high school as of next month). For the past 22 years, my whole life has been about my children. I have a Masters of Theology degree and I work as a Chaplain for a home hospice organization, and while my work is very rewarding in nearly every way, financially is not one of them.
What steps can I take to reinvent myself at this juncture in my life when for the last twenty years I have ignored my needs and desires in order to provide my children with the love, care, and nurturing that they needed? Where and how do I begin to focus on me?
Tracy
Dear Tracy,
First let me offer my congratulations to you—you’ve accomplished a lot in your life to ensure that your children had a strong foundation from which to grow. It’s clear that you’ve spent a lot of time giving to others both at home and at work, so now it’s time to turn some of that love, care and nurturing energy towards yourself.
To begin your reinvention, the first thing you must do is to strengthen your self-care muscle. This muscle helps you tune into yourself, see what your spirit needs, and then give it to yourself. Like a real muscle it atrophies if you don’t use it regularly and gets stronger when you challenge it. The very process of reinvention is about doing the heavy-lifting to craft a life and career that’s in tune with your inner desires, and the self-care muscle is at its core. Here is a three-step plan to it build up:
1. Make a "Barbell List." Your first step in strengthening your self-care muscle is to make a list of some big things you’d love to do—your "barbell list". Use sentences like “It would be so much fun to do (insert fun activity here),” or “I’ve always wanted to explore (insert interesting hobby or career choice or place to visit here).” Don’t be afraid to get wild and wacky; if you’ve always wanted salsa dance or to visit New Mexico and throw pottery, put it down. Your goal is to let your inner voice—the one that’s been muffled by taking care of others—have a chance to say what would fill her spirit.
2. Add some "Nurturing Boosters." Your next step is to make a list of smaller self-care habits—the "nurturing boosters" that supplement your days. These can include taking bubble baths, reading a novel for 30 minutes, getting a manicure, going to a movie or having dinner with a friend. Make an effort to come up with lots of ideas; you’ll be picking something from this list each and every day. Regularly practicing self-care habits build strength and flexibility in your self-care muscle.
3.Make time for a regular "Workout." Finally, take those lists and get to work! Set a daily goal to add a nurturing booster to your schedule and track your progress by marking a big X on a calendar each time you do so. After a couple of days you’ll have a chain of Xs going; your goal is not to break it! At the beginning of each month, set a goal to do one activity from the barbell list. If it’s not something that can be done in the evening, schedule a weekend or even take a day off work to do it. You deserve to spend a day “working” on yourself! Hang your barbell list someplace where you can see it and tick off each goal as you accomplish it.
Over the next six months, promise yourself that you’ll put in the time and effort to building your self-care muscle so that it’s both powerful and reliable. By doing so you’ll have taken the most important first step in a reinvention, the one from which all other ideas and actions flow: Knowing how to make yourself happy.
Have a question about your reinvention you’d like to ask? Email me at ASK at Reinvention-Institute dot com. If your question is selected for my column you will WIN a Career Reinvention 101: Getting Started eKit!
Pamela Mitchell is Founder of The Reinvention Institute. She is an in-demand speaker who has appeared on the Today Show and been profiled and quoted in top media publications including The Wall Street Journal, BusinessWeek, More, Men’s Health, and Black Enterprise. The Reinvention Institute publishes Career Reinvention 101: Getting Started, an easy and affordable eKit (audio MP3 & PDF download) containing the essential how-tos of reinvention; click here for more information. Pamela’s book, The 10 Laws of Career Reinvention: Essential Survival Skills for Any Economy will be published by Dutton in January.