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Surviving the Great Holiday Bake-Off

The holiday season is a warm and exciting time of year and it's also an incredibly fattening time because cookies, candies and nuts dance into my mouth when I'm not paying attention.  I would probably bleed liquid chocolate if I nicked my finger while cutting myself just one last itsy bitsy sliver of pumpkin pie.  

Most holiday seasons I beg my love god to hide all the sweet treats and dole them out to me if I'm particularly well behaved, but I seem to be a genius at tracking down those treats, just like those snouty animals do that root out truffles in France (I just can’t bring myself to say pigs). It may take me a few hours or even days, but if I try hard to think like Honey, I can find them hidden in a cupboard behind the never-used teacups or on a closet shelf near his rolled coins.

I have even tried hiding goodies from myself, which I know seems odd but given that my memory isn’t what it used to be, it sometimes works. By the time I remember where I hid them, the chocolates have usually grown a white coating which fortunately scrapes off very nicely with a bit of elbow grease.

A few years ago, as the festive grazing season approached, I was really worried that I would once again stuff myself on anything chocolate, leaving no room for high fiber vegetables from the food pyramid. I had actually managed to lose a few ounces just before the holidays, so I really needed a plan to get me through the holiday season continuing to look more like a sprightly elf than a plump Mrs. Claus.

But as it was also the season for giving unto others, I really wanted to bake some cookies to take to my family when we visited. This would not only help me build a reputation as a baking goddess, but would also fatten my family up, which by comparison would make me look not quite so pudgy.  Fat is relative, I think.

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Comments
11.26.2009
Janet Windsor
Diane, you never disappoint. I am still laughing. Can't wait to hear more from you - you go girl!!
11.25.2009
Penelope Morgan
Once again you've made me chuckle with your story. Ironically I baked Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies today and had 2.5 cookies...one broke in half while pulling it off the baking stone :). I agree with Cheryl that you tell stories just as well as your written versions. You have a way of telling a story that is so interesting and funny. I think you missed your real "calling" and need to retire from your "regular" job to just write funny stories. You could publish them in More Magazine, the local papers, and in book stores.......got to make a living while writing too. I would definitely buy your publications. Keep up the good work and Happy Thanksgiving!!! Penny
11.18.2009
Cheryl Wallace
To know Diane Pascoe is to love Diane Pascoe. She is exactly as she writes. She even speaks as she writes. She truly paints pictures with her words and makes me laugh out loud! She, my friends, is what I call a true writer. Diane, please continue to share with us your life experiences. We all so look forward the your next story.
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