How to Feel Sexier
The expert: Christiane Northrup, MD, ob-gyn in Yarmouth, Maine, and author of The Wisdom of Menopause
Why do so many over-40 women simply find sex less appealing?
Northrup: What's really happening with women's libidos after 40 is that there's this hormonal shift that allows unresolved anger, if you have it, to show itself. You're mad at yourself for allowing your family to put you last, you're irritable at work, and none of these sentiments help you feel sexy. The good news is that these changes, in my opinion, are actually designed for women to clean up their pasts and give birth to their best selves.
Is this a universal problem? Do all women feel less sexual as they age?
Northrup: No, which is why we can't say that the menopausal transition is solely responsible for decreased sex drive. Boredom in relationships is a real issue: We know from research that the number-one predictor of a really good sex life at midlife is a new partner. With somebody new, you don't have all that history together.
How can we learn to feel sexier?
Northrup: Women at midlife need to be able to see themselves as the ideal sexual woman no matter whether they're single, married, gay, or straight. Find out what turns you on by making pleasure a priority in your life. Let me get completely graphic: Set aside several times a week for self-pleasuring. Act as if a rock star (or whoever does it for you) is coming to your home and you are going to seduce him or her. Put fresh flowers in the bedroom, make the sheets all sexy flesh tones or red silk -- whatever you like. Turn your bedroom into a boudoir and practice. The exercise will help you fall in love with yourself.
It's important to learn to communicate what we want from our partners, isn't it?
Northrup: It's essential. We are taught backward: Men feel they should know what to do during sex, but it's actually a woman's job to decide what she wants and tell her mate how to provide it. That's why it's so good that we're seeing the interest in classes like belly dancing and pole dancing -- things that help you find your inner erotic creature, which is not at all about being sexy for a man. Women are finding that their ability to be seductive and experience pleasure is unlimited. It's very exciting!
More from Your Over-40 Health Guide
Originally published in MORE magazine, May 2008.
