Sex, Lies & Trousergate: Why Powerful Men Cheat (Part 4 of 6 essays)
The last prominent free-love candidate for president of the United States was a feminist, Victoria Woodhull, who ran—and lost—in 1872. Times may have changed, but in America there is still no free love for candidates.
If you are running for high office yourself, don’t worry. However qualified you are, you’ll be too busy trying to prove your competence on one hand and your unthreatening femininity on the other to even think about sex.
However, if your husband plans to run, an ounce of prevention may help you avoid a Silda Wall Spitzer moment in the spotlight. Slip the following position paper (no pun intended) into the case of any adult video or DVD in his sock drawer and he’ll be sure to get the message.
Dear Candidate:
Congratulations on announcing, and good luck with your campaign! Please note that from today on, your _______ (fill in appropriate member nickname; for example, willie, weenie boy, pajawa, snoopy-dog) now belongs to the people of the United States.
Governing our great country can be stressful, but it is also lots of fun, so you shouldn’t need any extra fun involving an exchange of DNA with interns, hookers, troopers, bundlers, pages, models, masseurs, burlesque artists, Mafia molls, blonde lobbyists, videographers, political groupies or anyone with 38DDD breast implants who is also named Fanne. (In case you’re too young to know: Fanne Foxe, the self-described Tidal Basin Bombshell, helped bring down Congressman Wilbur D. Mills in 1974.)
If you still feel the need, just remember that there will come a time when no one will remember who you were or care what you do—not even the vice squad at the Minneapolis airport—and you will be able to cheat on your wife with impunity (unless she is running for your former office).
The good news is that whatever takes place in your conjugal bed is nobody’s business, unless you make kinky demands that cause your spouse to freak out and a judge to unseal your divorce papers. (Perhaps you remember Jack Ryan, the ultraconservative Republican from Illinois. He thought some hot, public sex in a swingers’ club with his reluctant wife, the lovely actress Jeri Ryan, qualified as a “romantic getaway.” Voters disagreed; they elected Barack Obama.)
