Forever! Nooooooooo! Forever is such a long time…..Joey……..Joey…Joey…
I looked at my watch. 3:07. I cancelled my four o’clock teeth cleaning, jumped in my car and peeled out, fishtailing in the icy drive. This couldn’t happen: Joey tossed like so much garbage into a remainder bin and then what…recycled? How does one retire an old dildo, anyway? It was too grisly to imagine.
I forced the thought out of my mind as I raced down route 9. In a frenzied attempt to beat the clock I ran red lights, cut people off and gave plenty of finger, knocking off old people at crosswalks and children at school bus stops. I’m sure you understand: THEY WERE IN MY WAY.
At 4:42 I entered the shop. Right away I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was CROWDED, with men and women. The shelves were nearly empty of whatever they had been full of before. I made no eye contact. I thought a good strategy might be to act like I knew just what I wanted, so I buffaloed my way over to a random corner of the store.
Evidently I landed in some sort of faux-cunnilingus area. I picked up something that looked like a rubber tongue. As I was putting it back it jumped to life, buzzing and undulating in my hand. With a little shriek I tossed it up in the air. Still humming as it landed, it began a sort of tongue-walking movement across the linoleum. People turned and stared. I was sure I would pass out. I picked it up and stuffed it back in the box with the other tongues where it continued buzzing like an angry hornet.
Where the hell were the dildos? I panicked: were they sold out? I couldn’t possibly ask that question…it was 4:52…
Two young women strolled by, both lobes of their ass-shaped shopping basket jammed with videos, books, and creams, a loopy dildo hanging casually out one side. I thought, why can’t I be you? So young and fancy free...
