“I told that bastard,” my girlfriend said huffily, “I didn’t come! And he says, ‘Well, then, you better go,’ and starts laughing his stupid head off.”
“What an asshole,” I said.
“Yeah,” she said, “Especially since we were in my car.”
“And he’s your husband,” I added.
“Gawd, don't remind me,” she said.
And thus concluded yet another of hundreds of similar conversations I’ve had with my girlfriends about, how to tell a guy you didn’t come and then help him help you. Because as it turns out, about a third of women don’t orgasm during intercourse.
Which makes me wonder, where do they orgasm? Or do they orgasm? Have we become a nation of female martyrs and thespians? Faking it and making it seem okay so long as someone is coming (I’ll just lay here in the dark and listen to you moan). It just won’t do, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to provide counsel in the art of getting a guy to get it done.
Strategy #1: This involves putting the “request” in terms he understands. As in, “The wide receiver fumbled and there’s no way he’s going to make a touchdown.” Or, for the nature lovers, “The squirrel can’t find the acorn, yet again.” Or for the traveling types, “Did you know “Australia” just froze over?” And finally for the golfers, “Nice form, too bad you haven’t made a hole in one or can’t sink a long put yet.”
I think you follow my drift here. The reason this approach is so effective is that if the guy gets it, he’ll probably laugh. A laughing guy is a cooperative guy.
But let’s say he’s starts arguing with you about how unlikely a cold snap is Down Under. That’s when you need to advance to Strategy #2. Please follow these directions precisely:
Step one: Prop yourself up in bed, resting comfortably against some pillows. Adopt a dignified-aloof-bordering-on-sternly-distracted countenance. (I’m not sure what that is but a close guess is good enough.)
Step two: Sigh loudly—loud enough to rouse rudely he-who-is-already-advancing-into-REM-sleep.
Step three: In that special tone you’ve reserved for just these words, speak the following: “We need to talk.” If you are wearing reading glasses, they should come off at just this moment and you should chew pensively on one arm of the frame as though considering what to ask for in the divorce documents.
Step four: Listen carefully for the silent scream exploding in his head.
A guy will do virtually anything—and I do mean, anything—to avoid having to “talk.” I think you see where I’m going here.
Now let’s say you’re sleeping with a real dud and you need to advance to extreme measures. Strategy #3 is for you.
Nudge him gently on his shoulder as he lay all comfy beside you and ask him in your sweetest voice to kindly please get your vibrator from your bra drawer—along with the feather-tipped whip, the lube, the rose massage oil, and the hairspray (or whatever). Remember, unlike you, he just came and is in a highly zombie-like, easy-to-manipulate state.
It won’t be lickety-split but in time, he should be depositing a pile of stuff on the bed beside you and then rearranging his pillows to go back to sleep. Start the vibrator up and if you’re so inclined, pop in one of his porn DVD’s (never met a guy who didn’t have at least a hundred stashed somewhere).
Now if he doesn’t get turned on watching you get yourself turned on (or at the very least offer to help), then he really is a dud and you should trade him in pronto. Or failing that, try a girlfriend. They always know what to do.