Want a Partner? Read This First

by Judith Steinhart Judith Steinhart Guest Writer {View Profile}

These attitude shifts can help you find that special someone.

Recently, as I was surfing the web, I came across a headline about women's sexual energy being sacked because they lacked opportunity to be sexual. This made sense to me since as women mature, life interferes: separation, divorce, death, or death of feelings. Without a partner, some women feel hopeless about ever finding someone to be intimate, playful, and sexual with.

One friend of mine, after divorce, really, really, really wanted to be with someone. When she and I spoke, I mentioned the idea of her being more available to meeting someone. She really didn’t get it at first, and I’m not sure I did either. But if I made a list of things that interfered with her having a partner, it would have been easy: she had been “burned” once, she had teenage kids who needed her, she ran a business or two, she had friends, she was involved in professional organizations, and volunteered her time as well. Given all that, how could someone, a man, partner, lover, possibly have fit into her life?

We also spoke about the importance of her keeping an open mind and an open heart. This had to do with her idea of the type of man that she thought she would be attracted to. And when she did meet someone special, through friends, he was not her type at all. Yet she was intrigued enough to go out with him again. Soon they were staying in motel rooms for privacy, having a total blast discovering each other -- and a lost part of themselves.

Another divorced friend started seeing a man. She wasn’t sure how she felt about him, whether or not she wanted to see him again or even sleep with him. It was clear that a decision needed to be made during the next date.

I suggested that she keep an open mind and heart, and see how she felt kissing him. She thought about my idea, and said she would consider it. Well the next time I saw her, she was smiling. She realized that his kisses made the decision easy. Seven years later, they are still together.

If you made your own list, what would get in the way of your being more available?

· Too much work to do

· No time to socialize

· Too much trouble

· Don’t like my body

· I’m no longer attractive

· Lost my mojo

· Need to lose 20 pounds

· They’re all losers

· They’re all married

· All the good ones are gay

· Need to clean out my closets first

· No point

· Past my prime

· Thighs too big

If this the way you talk to yourself, you can change that tune, find a new mantra, take control of your conversation with yourself with new words and phrases:

· I will allow myself to be open to meet new people, new men, potential partners.

· I will allow myself to smile and to enjoy those I meet.

· I will forgive others for being human and then forgive myself.

· I don’t have to be perfect to feel love, loving, or loved.

· Joanne Loulan’s wonderful quote, “You deserve love just because you’re breathing”.

What do you think would happen if you changed the way you spoke to yourself? If you changed your own internal dialogue? If you first let in some joy, rather than waited for someone else to supply the fun?

What would happen if you changed hmmmmmmmmmmmm to Mmmmmmmmmm? Let me know

Hey Jud, aka Judith Steinhart, is a clinical sexologist, sexuality consultant and relationship coach. She believes that everyone can feel better about their sexual selves. Post questions for her in the Comments section above, or on her blog.

First published August 2009

Find this story at:

http://www.more.com/2039/7256-want-a-partner--read-this

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