When a woman has cancer, her reactions toward her partner may run the gamut from super-clingy to angrily independent, from loving to cold and distant. She may want to be close and lusty sexually, sleep in another room, or turn into a cuddle bunny. If her kind of cancer involves her reproductive or sexual body parts, she may no longer feel desirable, or may worry about being desired.
Partners, meanwhile, worry that their loved one may be too fragile for sexual connection, and that the partner’s desire would be seen as an intrusion. They may wonder, “How can I even consider approaching her sexually? Look what she’s going through!” And these feelings may turn flip-flop faster than a politician.
However, women healing from cancer still want to feel valued, special, and desired. Physical and sexual expression is life-affirming. Good things may come from sexual expression, which can include hugging, caressing, touching, making out, talking softly, all with caring, tenderness, physical release, pleasure, and acceptance. Other feelings may also be unleashed: sadness, loss, grief, and relief, while they may seem scary or inappropriate to the moment, they need to be expressed.
Partners can help their loved one –and the relationship—by initiating a frank conversation, for example: “Honey, I want to be close to you, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of hurting you, of wanting you when you don’t want me, of being rejected, of being seen as uncaring. I don’t want sex to be an all or nothing part of our lives, that either have intercourse or we don’t. What kind of connection would you like us to have? How can we be sure that the intimate part of our lives is still loving, comforting, lustful, and, perhaps more importantly, present?”
This is not the kind of conversation couples in long-term relationships usually have, even at their best. And it occurs even less frequently in short-term relationships. Couples still experience strong taboos and discomfort when it comes to talking about sex. Individuals may feel guilt and shame about having, and revealing, their sexual needs and desires. But couples who open their hearts to each other are often surprised by and thrilled with the emotionally and sexual intimacy that unfolds as a result.
Consider this conversation when you try to work out what to say to your partner. Pass this posting along or leave it around for them to read. Take the risk of saying what you need to say. And let me know how you felt.
Judith Steinhart, EdD, is a clinical sexologist and nationally known sexuality guru, who went to Woodstock, facilitated women's groups for the National Organization for Women, taught Dr. Ruth's courses at Brooklyn College after she left, co-created the oldest interactive health Q&A website (Go Ask Alice!), hosts Women's Sexuali-Teas, and has natural curly hair. Read her Q&A blog, and ask questions anonymously!
