Get your head in the game! Psychologist and author Laurie B. Mintz opens our eyes to that other sex organ.
Your most vital sex organ is located above your neck. I once told a client this and she countered with “Really? All these years, I’ve attended to the wrong spot!” Undoubtedly, she was referring to her clitoris. While a focus on this orgasm hot button certainly brings vast pleasure, one’s mind has to be engaged first. As explained by my friend Barbara, “If your head isn’t there, the mechanics don’t matter.” What Barbara was saying is that even skillful caressing isn’t going to bring pleasure if the woman receiving it is focused elsewhere, such as on her child’s struggles with school or her parent’s ailing health.
Internal chatter during sex is common among women. Research shows that women get distracted more during sex than men do. Women’s diverting thoughts during sex usually have to do with parts of their bodies they don’t like, things on their to-do list, or leftover issues from a busy day. Undeniably, mental multi-tasking during sex contributes to diminished desire and decreased sexual pleasure. You can’t feel fretful and sexually aroused at the same time.
To enjoy sex, women have to learn to turn off their mental to-do lists and instead focus on the pleasure of the moment. The key to doing so lies in using a two-step technique covered in my book, A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. This strategy entails stopping invasive thoughts and invoking a mindful focus.
If during sex you find your mind wandering to anything but the sensations in your body, intentionally halt these thoughts. You can think “Focus” or “Center” to yourself. To help you re-focus, you can look deeply into your partner’s eyes or touch a part of your partner’s body that you find especially appealing. Zeroing in with complete attention on wherever your partner’s hands are touching can also help bring you into the flow of the moment. Some women find that breathing in their partner’s scent reels them back to the present moment. Some women say something sexy out loud. One client of mine reports that she tells herself to “breathe into your genitals.” The key is to find the re-focusing signal that works best for you and to use it: Whenever your mind wanders during sex, firmly but gently signal yourself to change the channel in your mind.
