Get your head in the game! Psychologist and author Laurie B. Mintz opens our eyes to that other sex organ.
Your most vital sex organ is located above your neck. I once told a client this and she countered with “Really? All these years, I’ve attended to the wrong spot!” Undoubtedly, she was referring to her clitoris. While a focus on this orgasm hot button certainly brings vast pleasure, one’s mind has to be engaged first. As explained by my friend Barbara, “If your head isn’t there, the mechanics don’t matter.” What Barbara was saying is that even skillful caressing isn’t going to bring pleasure if the woman receiving it is focused elsewhere, such as on her child’s struggles with school or her parent’s ailing health.
Internal chatter during sex is common among women. Research shows that women get distracted more during sex than men do. Women’s diverting thoughts during sex usually have to do with parts of their bodies they don’t like, things on their to-do list, or leftover issues from a busy day. Undeniably, mental multi-tasking during sex contributes to diminished desire and decreased sexual pleasure. You can’t feel fretful and sexually aroused at the same time.
To enjoy sex, women have to learn to turn off their mental to-do lists and instead focus on the pleasure of the moment. The key to doing so lies in using a two-step technique covered in my book, A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. This strategy entails stopping invasive thoughts and invoking a mindful focus.
If during sex you find your mind wandering to anything but the sensations in your body, intentionally halt these thoughts. You can think “Focus” or “Center” to yourself. To help you re-focus, you can look deeply into your partner’s eyes or touch a part of your partner’s body that you find especially appealing. Zeroing in with complete attention on wherever your partner’s hands are touching can also help bring you into the flow of the moment. Some women find that breathing in their partner’s scent reels them back to the present moment. Some women say something sexy out loud. One client of mine reports that she tells herself to “breathe into your genitals.” The key is to find the re-focusing signal that works best for you and to use it: Whenever your mind wanders during sex, firmly but gently signal yourself to change the channel in your mind.
The channel you need to change to is mindfulness – a total immersion and focus on what is happening in the moment. Mindful sex is sex in which you are totally and completely absorbed in the physical sensations of your body.
One of the best ways to achieve mindfulness during sex is to practice it throughout the day. Indeed, we can be mindful during any activity. You can completely immerse yourself in the feel of warm, sudsy water on your fingers while doing the dinner dishes. Eating mindfully can enhance the delight of a meal. This state of complete absorption can be invoked during vacuuming, showering, or talking with a friend. The more practiced you are at achieving a mindful state during daily life, the easier it will be for you to get there during sex.
It is no coincidence that the phrase “mind-blowing” is often associated with sex. To reach mind-blowing sex, you have to engage in mindful sex. To have sensational sex, you have to focus on the sensations and not on your unfinished work project. Mind-blowing sex means that your mind is not working; only your body is reacting. Busy brains are not for the bedroom.
Focusing your thoughts on sex outside of the bedroom can, however, enhance your interest in sex. A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex dedicates an entire chapter to such mental foreplay. One strategy recommended is taking an hourly, five-minute sex break to think about an exciting past sexual encounter or an enticing sexual fantasy. Another is purposefully thinking positive thoughts about sex, such as “I love sex!” throughout the day.
While a few rare women can think themselves to orgasm, most can’t. But, you can still make the most of the sex organ between your ears by thinking sexy thoughts when you are not in bed and focusing on the sexual feelings when you are in bed!