Once his affair has been exposed, your emotional life will be in an uproar. People respond to this devastation by fluctuating between paralysis and impulsive actions. But in the early days after an affair is discovered, any hasty reaction born out of rage, disgust, or fear may come back to bite you—especially if has an interest in repairing your relationship. Even if your mind is in chaos right now, there are a number of things many people do that are best delayed or avoided altogether.
1. Don’t threaten divorce. It may feel good to say that or to try to kick him out of the house but you need time to sort through what you really want to have happen. Do you want the relationship to be fixed? Pushing him out may draw him closer to the other woman if he has feelings for her (and unless it was a one-night stand, he probably does.) It’s okay to tell him you’re unsure if you can remain in the relationship. But if you say things you don’t really mean, he may not take other comments you make as seriously.
2. Don’t rush to tell your family what he’s done. You may indeed want a family’s emotional support and telling them what happened might be necessary in the future. Some family members may demonize your partner. But what if you two reconcile? Will there be bad blood? Some family members get upset when you don’t follow their advice. What if you are opening up old wounds for some of them? In the immediate days following the revelation of an affair, confide in a close friend or therapist—don’t give the friends daily progress reports—even friends can grow weary. You can always get family involved later. By all means get their support if he is insisting he wants out and your relationship is over.
3. Don’t tell the kids what he did. Kids are powerless. They don’t need that extra worry. If he intends to make his paramour the new love of his love, your kids will eventually understand what happened. (And they may figure it out on their own.) Reconciliation is so much harder if he thinks you’ve poisoned the kids against him.
4. Don’t confront the other woman. It usually doesn’t help and often backfires. If she is still interested in your man, she will play the victim and he will take her side. Even if she’s willing to back away, telling her off will probably make him feel sorry for her—when he should be feeling sorry for you. If he wants to reconcile with you and you make headway, you’ll discover that your desire to speak to her diminishes over time.
5. Don’t degrade or lower yourself. Some people who’ve been cheated on act in ways they’d never act otherwise. They get drunk, throw things, have a revenge affair, flirt, or besmirch his good name around town. Your esteem has probably taken a big hit already. Don’t add to it by acting in ways you’ll regret later.
Dr. Paul Coleman is the author of “You, Him, and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life.”