Recently, I found my way over to More.com's Rants & Raves. One member who was a very unhappy 40-something woman with young kids, got my attention.
In her second marriage, she was contemplating divorce: she wasn’t getting any younger and wanted her chance at happiness. She’s not alone. A few years back, an AARP poll revealed that middle age women are leaving long term marriages in record numbers. Historically, divorce rates spiked at the 25-year mark, with husbands initiating the split, usually to seek another women. But Boomer women are shifting this trend. We like to do things our way. Our mothers’ way was to stay and endure, and in this regard, we are not our mothers’ daughters.
In that AARP poll, the women who left long term marriages reported that on average, they planned their exits for ten years before finally leaving. Why? Finances factored in; so did children in need of growing. We all know Boomer women were the first generation to postpone childbirth. When I was 40, my children were still quite small. So what’s an unhappily married woman to do? I can’t pretend to know. I can offer this caution: be as sure as you can be that there’s no devil waiting to meet you worse than the one you already know.
Single parenting, should your Ex surprise you by not co-parenting as you thought he would, is not easy, especially for women who’ve depended on co-parent help. Should your Ex decide to not pay, minimally pay or demand that you pay once divorce proceedings begin, money worries will weigh on your mental and physical health every bit as much as not being touched or feeling loved. Though we may be better prepared to go it alone than our mothers, don’t let emotions overshadow practicality.
Divorce is an ugly business based on an adversarial model that favors people with money. The shocking revelation, made decades ago, that, after divorce, women cycle into poverty while men’s lifestyles remain the same or improve hasn’t shifted much, so consider what these facts will mean for you. Discuss your decision with older, divorced women who don’t have a need to get your approval or impress you. Ask them this: If you could do it over, would you do it all the same?
