My friend G. is in her late forties, beautiful in a tall, terrifically elegant born-to-it kind of way. (Think long legs, long blond hair.) We have both been single for a number of years after lengthy marriages (she’s divorced, I’m widowed) and have completely different dating styles. G. has not been on a date in years. At various times she has told me she’s:
A) glad that part of her life is over because it only got her in trouble in the past.
B) concentrating on raising her daughter.
C) doesn’t even miss it anymore.
D) It’s just so hopeless, why bother?
I, on the other hand, go on a lot of dates (many of them blinder than blind). The result, though, is the same– neither of us has been in a serious relationship in a few years. So when G. called up the other day to tell me she had a date that night with someone she had met through her job I was thrilled for her. “I hate this,” she protested. “I feel like throwing up. What if it’s a disaster?” “No matter what happens, it’s a good thing,” I replied. “It means the nerve isn’t dead.”
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t jealous of G’s date, I was jealous that she was feeling The Tingle. Maybe this is totally egocentric of me but when I go out on a date I’m far less concerned about whether or not the guy will like me than I am about whether I’ll feel that fluttery sensation that makes you, okay, want to throw up but also makes you feel deeply wonderfully alive. The older I get, the harder it is to find. (Trust me, not every fifty-year-old man is Gabriel Byrne. Sorry. Off-point here. And no, I’m not looking for movie star perfection. Just saying.) Anyway, I miss it. A lot. I’ve gone out recently with a couple of guys who were perfectly reasonable candidates – except that they left me flutter-free. Maybe I should have continued seeing them anyway. I do worry that I might come to regret not settling down with in a nice, stable tingle-free relationship later on. But I’ve tried –I always end up wanting out. It’s too crucial a part of life and romance, at least to me, to give up on. I have found it a few times since my husband died and it has led to both delight and disappointment - but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
