Rachel Greenwald, dating coach and author of Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date, has helped 712 couples find love. Now, she's ready to take on the MORE community. Have a dating question for Rachel? Submit it here.
Dear Rachel,
My friends and family tell me that the reason I’m still single is because I’m too picky. I hate the word “picky”— instead, I’d say I have high standards! I’m 47, divorced, and I’ve had several failed relationships, so by now I’ve learned the hard way exactly what I don’t want. The way I look at it, I’ve held out this long for the right man; I’m certainly not going to settle now. I’ve accumulated a long list of turn-offs including everything from bad table manners to bad grammar to being passive to infidelity. With my track record, don’t you think I should be more picky, not less?
Signed,
Ava in Dallas
Dear Ava,
While you should never “settle” for anyone, there is actually a big distinction between being picky versus having high standards. This is not a case of you saying “potato” and others saying “po-tah-to.” I’d like explain a three-step exercise I use with my private dating coaching clients to help clarify the difference:
1) Categorize which problems can be changed and which ones can’t. You lumped “bad table manners” in the same list with “infidelity”--- but of course the caliber of these problems is dramatically different. If your date has bad table manners, that’s easy to change! Many men haven’t been taught which fork is used for the salad or not to put their elbows on the table. You can teach him that etiquette later (table manners, or similar “superficial” issues, have no correlation with someone’s ability to be a good long term partner). Bad breath, bad clothing, bad mustache: these types of things can be changed later under your influence if you’re with a man motivated by love. However, certain negative personality traits, which you can never change, are deal-breakers. You are upholding reasonable high standards if you spot lying, selfishness, a bad temper, etc.
