Dear Rachel,
I’m a busy professional who works 70 hours per week, and I’m also a single mom with two teenagers. When I’m not working or with my kids, I travel (I’m going to Australia for 2 weeks this Christmas while my ex has the kids), I play tennis every weekend in a league, and currently I’m remolding my basement (which is a huge project!). I have a full life, but I just turned 50, my kids are never home, and have to admit to myself that I’m lonely and want to find love. My single friends tell me it takes a lot of effort to get serious about dating, yet when would I ever find the time? I feel like I’m trapped: I want a partner, but I’m too busy to look.
Signed,
Sarah in
Dear Sarah,
It’s great that you have such a full life, but you’re right: dating can be very time consuming. At age 50, and with your busy schedule, you’ll find online dating the most efficient tool. But fair warning: you’ll spend tons of hours creating a great profile, exchanging emails and phone calls, and going out on many, many dates before finding the right guy. Here are some effective tips to find more time to date by shifting your perspective and increasing your dating efficiency:
Tip #1: Find your number
How much time for dating do you really have? To find that number, first ask yourself this: if you were in a serious relationship with a great man, how much time would you spend together talking on the phone, emailing or texting, getting ready for dates, commuting to see him, eating meals together, going to movies, having sex, telling your friends about him, etc.? Add it all up, and let’s say it comes to 20 hours per week. Then that's your number: if you could carve out 20 hours (for example) to be in a great relationship with someone, you can devote the same 20 hours searching for him. {Most people say they can’t find the time for searching, but surprise, surprise: they suddenly find that time when they meet the right person!}
Tip #2: Challenge your perspective
Most people ask the wrong question. They ask “Given that I’m working 70 hours per week, how can I find time to date?” But working 70 hours per week does not have to be a “given.” Seriously. No matter who you are, no matter how big and important your job is, no matter how many people depend upon you. The right question (for your happiness) is, “I want to make finding my mate a priority so I will spend 20 hours per week on dating-related activities. Now, how many hours do I have left for my job and everything else?” Focus on creative solutions to scale back on your other commitments, at least for a few months until you meet Mr. Right.
In hospital emergency rooms, patients are treated not on a first-come, first-served basis, but rather based on whose ailment is in most urgent need of care. This “triage” approach should be applied to dating as well. If you truly want to find a mate now, you have to make dating your #1 priority. This is Dating
In real estate, it’s all about ‘location, location, location.” For busy singles in the dating world, it’s all about efficiency. You have to be extremely vigilant about not wasting your time when you’re looking for Mr. Right. Dating efficiently is not just going through the motions of “getting out there.” It means setting dating guidelines and sticking to them. For example, no dating or flirting with unavailable candidates: not the married man, nor the never-married man who told you upfront he doesn’t want to settle down… even though he’s just soooo cute! It means not going to a party with two girlfriends and standing in the corner talking to them all night (go alone, you’ll meet new people, and the evening will be more productive). It also means not falling in love with an online fantasy for months (when you connect with someone online who seems promising, meet within two weeks and make sure reality is as good as fantasy). Because you’re busy, you have to constantly monitor that you are putting your limited time to the best possible use.
