Keep the Peace -- and the Pieces
After you've committed to keeping certain accounts separate and "untainted," figuring out how to meet all your obligations -- expenses for children, stepchildren, ex-spouses, dual-mortgage payments, insurance, car payments, basics like food and clothes -- can feel like trying to get a bill through Congress: Who's going to pay for what? What happens if one of you comes up short? Will either of you contribute anything when it comes to your spouse's children? Will your estate go to your kids? Regardless of what your will says, if you die before your spouse, a big chunk of your estate automatically goes to him -- one-third in some states, half in others -- unless he has waived his rights in writing.
Not only do you have to agree on who gets how much, you need to decide which account the various checks will come from. Keeping your money separate will make sure it doesn't end up in his ex-wife's pocket. Yes, it could happen.
"Let's say he guarantees a loan during his first marriage or as part of the divorce agreement," says Wynne Whitman, a tax lawyer and coauthor of Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin and Not Getting Burned. "Let's say it's to pay off his ex-wife's school loans, or whatever it might be. She then defaults on the loan and they come after him. They could conceivably come after the joint assets."
Nancy Freelander, a university professor, is telling me her story. It's not a happy one. She was 39 when she married Rick Korso, then a 37-year-old consultant, 11 years ago. It was the second time for both, and Korso was still battling with his ex-wife over custody and visitation rights for his 5-year-old daughter.
Sometimes his legal bills piled up and he couldn't contribute his half toward their expenses. Freelander covered for him, and on occasion paid his legal bills as well. That was her first mistake. "For him, financial solvency is like having a dick, you know?" she says. "He's not a man without it."
While the course of her marriage has hardly been smooth, Freelander now finds herself in a classic bind: stay in an imperfect relationship, or see her quality of life decline. She chose to stay. For, as Korso's income from consulting improved, so had their lifestyle. "Now I'm the one who can't make the payments," Freelander says.
Studies by the National Center for Women & Retirement Research confirm what Freelander already knows: A woman's standard of living typically falls 45 percent in the first year after a divorce. A man's, on the other hand, rises 15 percent. In my head I can hear Harriet Cohen saying, again and again: "Do not be pressured into spending your own separate money! Never spend your money to save his money!"
