Where are all the other happily child free women?
Many women in their 40s and most Boomer women, it seems, have arrived at the stage in their lives where their children are grown and, in fact, are becoming grandmothers. But what about those of us who heard a different drummer and didn’t go the family route – either by conscious choice, subconscious choice, or circumstances? In my younger days, those voices were much more vocal, but, these days, I rarely hear a peep from this group, and I’m starting to feel all alone.While my mother was sure I would have children and told me so on a regular basis, I found myself admiring couples I met at my grandmother’s house who didn’t have children. They were mostly members of her religious group that recommended “responsible parenting” and “full-time Christian service” without kids. They traveled all over the world, and came back with stories to tell. I wanted to grow up and be just like them.
I had many adventures with that grandmother. Not only was she involved in “full-time Christian service,” but she earned income by selling specialty bras and natural skin products to the women of Southern California. My task was to ride shotgun as she picked up products and delivered them all over her area. The highlight of the day was lunch at the Sizzler. Since my family usually only ate out at McDonald’s, the Sizzler was a big deal to this little girl.
I also admired cars whizzing north on Highway 99 on visits to my other grandparents’ house—my stepfather’s parents—driven by couples with a rack of clothing in the backseat of the car. That told me they were off to some exciting adventure without kids. Still, somewhere in the back of my mind was the thought that I would someday have kids.
Ever a romantic, I worried that if I chose not to have kids, that meant I also chose not to marry, I was torn between being single with a career and being married with children. These couples gave me hope that I could be married and have a career--but not necessarily have kids.
I came of age when Planned Parenthood, birth control, and zero population growth were the buzz words. And then I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, where it seemed that most people I knew were either single or married without kids. I was in good company and never gave it another thought. The women who did have kids seemed stressed out, working one or two jobs outside the home, plus raising kids. I didn’t know how they did it.
But once I started moving around the country, it seemed that the rest of America was busy having children. Most of these people didn’t understand my choice or circumstances or what led me to this place in life. I had to seek out people who were more like me, and I often found them in the cities, but they were few and far between. True, there were groups specifically for people without kids, but they seemed to have more of an aggressive attitude about it—as if they were superior because of their choice—or they just didn’t like kids. Not true for me. I’m the first to look out for kids’ best interests.
As my mother's oldest child and one of the oldest grandchildren in my family, I took care of a lot of kids, and I enjoyed it. I taught my brother and sister lessons before they started school. Becoming a teacher was one of my dreams. In fact, I went to school all day and played school when I got home. Some of my “students” were the neighbor kids. I didn’t choose not to have kids because I didn’t like kids—it just wasn’t my dream. But I do have three cats, whom I treat just like kids.
Besides teaching, my other dreams were to be a singer and/or a writer. Sometimes we don’t see our calling or don’t get around to pursuing our dreams until later in life. I’ve met a few priests who didn’t become priests until they were in their 40s. I didn’t start pursuing writing until my 40s, and I recently took voice lessons to pursue my love of singing. I’m very happy with where I am in my life, the choices I’ve made, and where life is taking me. So what about you—were any of you not called to have kids, and what were you called to do?