How I Became a Heartbreaker

I have a brief flirtation with a real 
estate agent who has a prosthetic leg. He’s sweet and attentive, but I soon 
learn he’s already involved with someone. A few months later, I attend a friend’s art opening, where I meet her studio-mate, Paul*.

Paul is not disabled, but he’s not traditionally handsome either. He has a kind face and a warm manner that draws me in. We chat, and I find myself growing confident under his approving gaze. It turns out he’s 50.

Paul and I go out to nice restaurants, light movies and spend a good deal of our time together in bed. I joke to my friends that he’s the anti-Richard. He’s easygoing and complimentary. With Richard I wanted to believe that his good looks reflected well on me. Now Paul tells me I’m the beautiful one. In his company, I start to see myself that way.

Beauty. As a visual artist, there is little Paul values more. “Look at the light 
reflecting off that building,” he’ll say.
Or “Check out that sunset.”

And just as often, “She’s pretty,” turning to watch a stranger walk by.

Paul does commercial illustration, portraiture and figure painting. His specialty is the female form, his favorite subject the pinup model.

As in all pinup art, the figures in his 
paintings are slim, shapely young women posed in lingerie, stockings and garters. Their expressions lack any emotion other than the desire to seduce. 
Here, a conflict arises in me: I’m troubled by the messages his images deliver. They place so high a value on being attractive, yet offer such a narrow sampling of what that might look like. They also seem to suggest that women’s role is 
primarily to please and titillate men. And 
yet, just as being chosen by a handsome man once made me feel validated, I’m flattered to be with one who places such an emphasis on idealized beauty.

Paul takes me shopping. I shed the baggy, body-hiding outfits I’d taken to wearing in what had become my sexless marriage and choose formfitting, flowing clothes. I let my hair grow long, begin applying makeup with care.