An Interview with Barbara Graham on Being a Grandma

Q: Do you think becoming a grandmother is different for our generation than it was for our mothers?
 


A: Yes, without a doubt. For one thing, many, if not most, new grandmothers work. So even if grandparents live near their grandchildren, their availability is limited. But geography is a major factor now. When I was a kid, my nana lived a few blocks away and could babysit on short notice. In our global village, my situation, where my granddaughter lives thousands of miles away, is typical. Instead of sleepovers and Sunday dinners, grandparents visit with their grandchildren on Skype and they’re lucky if they see each other twice a year. I have heard a number of stories of far-flung families who’ve had to curtail visits due to financial struggles. 

There are even more reasons why grandparenthood is radically different today: Divorce and remarriage, blended families, multicultural adoptive families, single mothers raising children, a dramatic increase in the number of custodial grandparents—at last count more than six percent of American children were living in households headed by a grandparent. 



Q: As you’ve been talking to other grandmothers, is there one theme that comes up repeatedly?
 


A: I’ve found that a lot depends on whether a woman is the maternal or the paternal grandmother. Generally, the mother of the new mother has a much easier time of it. Mothers of the new father can end up feeling like a fifth wheel. I have heard terrible stories of daughters-in-law restricting the paternal grandmother’s access to the kids. One woman told me that in the two years since her grandson was born her daughter-in-law has never once allowed her to hold him.

Q: Why hasn’t anybody talked about this stuff before?



A: For one thing, being a grandparent is truly amazing and wonderful. To see your own child produce a child moves you in extraordinary ways—and that’s much easier to talk about than the hard stuff. I think most people worry that if they tell the more complicated and difficult stories, they’ll damage their relationships with their sons and daughters and never get to see the grandkids.