Dodging the Minefields, Loving the Role
On April 15, I went to a reading and panel discussion for Eye of My Heart, featuring Barbara Graham, Roxana Robinson, Anne Roiphe and Jill Nelson. Robinson—also a More contributor and author, most recently, of the novel Cost, was a standout, reading from a beautiful essay that was not only about being a grandmother but also a mother. Afterward, I asked Robinson whether her view of her own mother changed again upon becoming a grandmother. She felt that it had: “As Virginia Woolf said, we think back through our mothers,” Robinson said. “You see how your own mother did in this and you see how your daughter is doing in the role you used to play. It’s a wonderful layering upon layering of transparent presences.”I also grabbed the chance to ask Graham a few questions:
Q: What surprised you most about becoming a grandmother?
A: That I’m old enough to be a grandmother! I am a boomer after all—and we’re not supposed to age. Once I got over the shock of that, I’ve been stunned by how consuming grandparenthood is. I knew I would love my grandchild, but I had no idea that I would feel like a teenager with her first crush. I was also unprepared for the complications that go with the territory. As soon as you join the grandparent club, you realize very quickly that although you may love your grandchildren fiercely, you have absolutely no say in anything—where they live, how they are being raised—and you’d better not try.
Q: What made you decide to edit an anthology on grandmotherhood?
A; Initially, I thought I’d write my own book about my first year as a grandmother. I started keeping a journal right after Isabelle was born. I felt such a riptide of emotion and, being a writer, I recorded it. My son and daughter-in-law were living very near us then, and I was able to spend a great deal of time with the baby. But almost overnight my story changed. My son and his wife moved overseas when Isabelle was two months old. Not only was I devastated by their departure, I couldn’t write the book I’d planned. So I started talking to other grandmothers—and everyone had a story. Some were dramatic, such as the grandmother who is raising her mentally disturbed daughter’s son. Some were more subtle or humorous, but each was complex in its own way. And none of the stories fit the stereotypical, demeaning portraits of grandmothers that abound in our culture. I looked around, and I could find nothing smart or literary that told the real stories about grandmotherhood, the challenges as well as the joys. Eye of My Heart felt like a book waiting to happen.
Q: Do you think becoming a grandmother is different for our generation than it was for our mothers?
A: Yes, without a doubt. For one thing, many, if not most, new grandmothers work. So even if grandparents live near their grandchildren, their availability is limited. But geography is a major factor now. When I was a kid, my nana lived a few blocks away and could babysit on short notice. In our global village, my situation, where my granddaughter lives thousands of miles away, is typical. Instead of sleepovers and Sunday dinners, grandparents visit with their grandchildren on Skype and they’re lucky if they see each other twice a year. I have heard a number of stories of far-flung families who’ve had to curtail visits due to financial struggles.
There are even more reasons why grandparenthood is radically different today: Divorce and remarriage, blended families, multicultural adoptive families, single mothers raising children, a dramatic increase in the number of custodial grandparents—at last count more than six percent of American children were living in households headed by a grandparent.
Q: As you’ve been talking to other grandmothers, is there one theme that comes up repeatedly?
A: I’ve found that a lot depends on whether a woman is the maternal or the paternal grandmother. Generally, the mother of the new mother has a much easier time of it. Mothers of the new father can end up feeling like a fifth wheel. I have heard terrible stories of daughters-in-law restricting the paternal grandmother’s access to the kids. One woman told me that in the two years since her grandson was born her daughter-in-law has never once allowed her to hold him.
Q: Why hasn’t anybody talked about this stuff before?
A: For one thing, being a grandparent is truly amazing and wonderful. To see your own child produce a child moves you in extraordinary ways—and that’s much easier to talk about than the hard stuff. I think most people worry that if they tell the more complicated and difficult stories, they’ll damage their relationships with their sons and daughters and never get to see the grandkids.
Q: If you could go back and do anything differently in the weeks after your granddaughter’s birth, would you?
A: God, yes. I would try to restrain myself and give my son and daughter-in-law more space. I was so swept up by my own feelings for the baby that I overstepped good boundaries. One night when Isabelle was a few weeks old and my son was cuddling her, I asked if I could hold her. He snapped at me and said, “She’s my daughter and I’ll hold her.” I cringe every time I think of that.
Q: You mention that yours is a foodie family, and that part of your grandmother role in the early days was catering. So… what’s the best takeout joint in DC?
A: 2 Amys Pizza, no question. They have some special seal of approval from the head pizza honcho in Napoli. I delivered a Marguerita Extra to my son at the hospital while his wife was in the throes of labor.
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