“Children keep you young” is quite possibly the biggest lie told to parents in the history of parenthood. Right up there with beating with leather belts will somehow discipline them in a good way!
First, the facts. Carrying a child, sucks out all of your nutrients, leeches your gums, ruins your breasts, mottles your once lovely skin tone and adds a layer of fat to your stomach that simply will never go away unless, of course, you go the surgical route.
On a mental health level, there is the constant moment to moment worry regarding their well-being, speed drives to the hospital, sleep deprivation, hair-pulling over the smallest of incident, “She seems so quite today. There must be something wrong!”, or “why is she crying so much, she never cries! It must be a rare disease!" Then, all the restraint one must muster as to not lose every friend they have by screaming continuous anxiety and stress … stress which in fact ages every part of you.
Was this ridiculous quote for the parents that thought, oh say a whoopee cushion; what a blast! or I get to go to Disneyland again, YAY or, another opportunity to visit the E-coli infested Water Park, or perhaps the constant trips to the smelly beach where I can’t wear my bathing suit, carry 4 bags of kid stuff (sun screen, shovel, extra clothes, barbies, etc.) Can someone tell me where the fun is in that??
I hated all of those place as a childless person. And as time goes on, there is the homework you end up doing so your child stands a chance to get into a better school, so then you have to endure elementary school all over again. What a fucking blast. Then the god-awful helicopter school parents you are forced to interact with.
For example, Dina, “So far I have wracked up 25 hours in community service, serve hot lunches and have recently become a room parent! Plus I am on the volunteer committee to collect “donations”. I knew there was a reason I hated her.
