Puberty, Again? No Fair!

8. Can't-Do-Anything-With-It Hair. Remember that awful stage when your hair just seemed to sprout like untamed cabbage? And no matter how you styled it, it just didn't seem to match your face? I spent untold hours hogging the bathroom with a blow dryer and hot rollers, trying to duplicate the Farrah-flip and ended up looking more like an artichoke. Now I worry about having enough hair, at all. What's even worse: with all the hair care products available today--from flat irons to anti-frizz serums to root touch-ups kits--there's never been less of an excuse for a bad hair day.

7. Moodiness. Slamming doors. Crying fits. Kicking our feet on the floor. Oh, the drama! And that was just last week when the cable company called and said they had to reschedule my appointment to connect the TV in the spare room. Puberty and middle age are two of the most cantankerous time in a woman's life. We want to strangle nice people. Gorge on chocolate until we fall face-down in a pool of ganache. Bitch-slap the first person who tells us to "have a nice day." Nice? What's so goddamn nice about it?!?!??!! Just give me a minute; I'll be fine.

6. Sexual Neutrality. Just when you reach the age where you finally feel sexually confident, secure with your own body, and familiar enough with what works and doesn't in the foreplay department, you suddenly don't give a damn. Libido? What libido? I had it here just a minute ago. At puberty, it's just the opposite. Your body tingles with urges you have no name for and even less ability to alleviate. The very sight of a boy--forget the fact he has a bad haircut and smells like a trucker--sends you into paryoxms of lust. At middle age, all you lust for is eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

5. Periods--Ugh! I remember the first time I got my period, there was nearly an announcement in the local paper. From there on, it was just a monthly pain; over forty years worth. And along with the fear that I'd get my period in the middle of class and have no tampons on hand, or--even worse--that I'd miss a period, there were cramps, hormonal ups and downs, pap tests. At middle age, we trade it all in for hot flashes and night sweats. And men still don't get why we become the Bitch from Hell once a month.