How Not to Act Old with Celebrities

by Pamela Redmond Satran Guest Writer {View Profile}

Photo by Theodore Wood.

Do you identify with Angelina? Lust after Brad? Even know who Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina are? Here’s how not to act old with celebrities.

Humorist Pamela Redmond Satran's new book, How Not to Act Old, is available at a special discount for More readers.

DON'T CREAM OVER CLOONEY -- The guys who make us older babes cream our panties are not the same as the ones who turn on the younger set. Liam, George, Brad, Will, Bruce, Clive -- oh God, Clive -- may look great to us, but younger women think they're just crusty. So what's the answer: To try and get turned on by Zac and.....oh, I guess they're all named Zac. Never mind. Just keep your old crushes to yourself.

DON'T ADMIT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF AUDRINA, LEIGHTON, PENN, GINNIFER or BAR -- Look at the cover of celebrity magazines and have no clue who any of those people are? True, they may be the "stars" of reality shows or this week's teen drama or simply of a one-night stand with a real celeb. But acting like the magazine is the one with the problem will not make you seem cooler or younger. If you can't stand to actually follow the shows or even buy the rags, at least bring yourself up to date online every month or two.

DON'T ACT SHOCKED THAT MADONNA IS 50. OOOPs, 51 -- You may think it's remarkable that Madonna can jump all over the stage like that, and think she looks pretty damn amazing. But to anybody not-old, Madonna may look positively wizened.

DON'T BE OUTRAGED BY OUTRAGEOUS YOUNG HOLLYWOOD -- Drugs, tattoos, going commando. having multiple babies outside of marriage and multiple affairs inside it: These are all par for the course in young Hollywood. But acting shocked by it is like Granny being scandalized by Debbie Reynolds' divorce or that nice Rock Hudson turning out to be gay.

DISCOVER SOME "NEW" STARS YOUR OWN AGE -- Two of the most inspiring recent performances were by not-young stars: Philippe Petit's Oscar-winning documentary Man on Wire and Patti Smith's great covers album Twelve. Celebrating mature celebrities who are adventurous and forward-thinking -- who don't act old -- is the best way not to act old yourself.

Other celebs who take chances and defy conventions of what they “should” be doing at whatever age: Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Jen Aniston, Whoopi Goldberg, Holly Hunter. Have I missed anyone? Comment below.

More from Pam Satran: How Not to Act Old--Men's Edition

Along with this exclusive column for MORE.com, Satran offers additional up-to-the-minute tips at hownottoactold.com.

First published August 2009

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Comments

Okay, who here remembers that woman you knew in High School, the one who was the mother of one of your classmates, who always dressed in her daughter's clothes and came flouncing into the room whenever "the girls" all got together at her house? This was the mother who used words like "Awesome" and "Rad" and whatever else she'd heard her daughter say, wanted to talk to you about the boys in your class, and what the latest gossip was at school. She always seemed like she was trying so hard to be one of "the girls," and she was sweet, but you and your friends always looked at each other and rolled your eyes when she'd leave the room... This is how I feel about a 40+ woman raving about Zac Ephron, or perhaps the Jonas Brothers. There is a point when the male celebrity you are crushing on should be age appropriate. Like a 40+ man at the office water cooler rambling about how hot Miley Cyrus is, there is an "ick" factor - just like when she uses the phrase "cream our panties."

Hard to believe "More used theat word!!!! We'er not 20 anymore!!!! Still in college. We're mature adults. More should retract that word & use something else

Well, I wouldn't have written that. Don't believe I've ever said it. But it's got nothing to do with the sentiment of the word. It's just that the word 'cream' does sound 'off' in the context of the article. Maybe I am old. LOL. And that's what younger women say. I've know some women younger than me that I'm going to ask, just out of interest.

I agree with Peggy German. The last thing I want to read is the first line of that article, which would have been amusing, I'm sure, but that line is so gross I didn't want to finish it. And I don't give a damn if I do look old saying so.

I am not considered a prude, but for all the class this magazine projects, the first line of this article is offensive and without an iota of class.