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Changes

It has been five months since that day I heard those words—your position has been eliminated. I wish I could say that I have done something spectacular with my life since then. I haven’t. I have morphed through all of the clichés of a termination. I’ve gone from the “why me” to “it’s the best thing that could have happened to me,” then back to “why me.”  I have put on a happy face for my family, and smiled at past co-workers when they ask how I am—yet, it is those hours when I find myself alone when my sadness overwhelms me. I walk through an empty house and remember all those times when I dreamed of walking out on my job and how great life would be. Those dreams of places I would travel and volunteer work I would do. Instead, I find myself thinking endlessly about money or the lack of it.  I remember reading a blog right after that fateful day—someone had lost their job and, after the emotional trauma, had turned it into something good. It allowed them to find their passion and how that had led to a more meaningful life. I thought that would be me as well. I told my children that this change was welcome; now I wouldn’t be so stressed out, and they should remember what I always said to them: “Don’t look at the door closing, concentrate on the open doors before you.”  I think of those words and wonder where the open doors are and why I have no idea what my passion is. I was the person always in control and now I find myself lost.
 
Sometimes I am happy and singing aloud with my iPod. Other times I find myself deep in despair. I have had days when I cannot wait for my husband to leave for work so I can crawl back into bed and sleep, days when I am glued to the computer searching endlessly for a position to apply for. 
 
Today is a day of contemplation. Where do I go from here? I am sitting outside because it is a beautiful spring day in the middle of winter. I am trying to concentrate on the sound of the wind through the trees and appreciate the beauty that surrounds me. I count my blessings in this life and tell myself good things come to those who wait, as tears flood my eyes.
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