You know that the hormones estrogen and testosterone relate to sexual desire or a lack thereof—but be sure you’re equally aware of cortisol, the primary stress hormone. “If you are superstressed and hypervigilant, with the sympathetic nervous system perpetually on, there’s no place for the parasympathetic nervous system—the resting, digesting and wanting-sex side,” says Koffler. That ramped-up state—which we can achieve the minute we turn on the computer—is a barrier to being in our bodies. Mindful activities can help engage the parasympathetic nervous system, moving us into a softer, calmer place. Take regular, slow walks in the park and focus your attention on the flowers and the crunch of gravel beneath your feet. Starting a yoga or meditation practice can also increase your mindfulness.

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Have you ever been on top during sex—and become distracted by the sight of your stomach flapping? “Counter the effects of gravity by finding sex positions that make you look good,” suggests Durvasula. “Try out different positions in front of a full-length mirror. For instance, your stomach may look flat when you’re lying on your back. And if your breasts are drooping and you don’t like how that looks, wear a pretty bra with good support.”

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Vaginal dryness comes with age, but there are remedies. “The more frequently you engage in sexual activity, the healthier the vaginal tissue remains,” says Koffler. “It doesn’t matter if you’re operating with a dildo or a penis—the tissue will respond.” If you need lubrication, try one of the widely available vaginal moisturizers.

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In terms of reaching the BigO, the most importantaction is in your brain, not your body. Nerve impulses travel from the clitoris, vagina and cervix via the spinal cord to the sensory cortex of the brain. Using functional MRIbrain scans, which measure changes in neural blood flow, Rutgers University behavioral neuroscientist Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, and his team have observed sequential activation in 80 brain regions as a woman masturbates, eventually reaching orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Here’s a sketch of the trajectory: As clitoral arousal increases, the hippocampus, the seat of memory, and the amygdala, which is involved with processing emotions, light up. The woman, says Komisaruk, coauthor of The Orgasm Answer Guide, may be recalling emotional memories or fantasizing. Just before and during orgasm, the cerebellum, which controls muscle tension, begins to burn bright. And as the woman climaxes, the hypothalamus shoots out the hormone oxytocin,which sparks uterine contractions, and the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure center, hits its activity peak.

“There’s a very powerful emotional response at orgasm. We see a tremendous activation of the brain,” says Komisaruk. Surprisingly, pain sensitivity is greatly diminished. This happens whether the orgasm springs from vaginal or clitoral stimulation. “Pressure in the vagina produces powerful pain blockage,” he says. “The blockage gets stronger if the woman experiences that as pleasurable and still stronger if she reaches orgasm.”

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Want MORE? Read: Have Your Best Sex Ever

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