On Career Goals
1 / 30VIEW ALL
"I wanna quit everything and develop candy bars"
Pretty sure we think this at least twice a week.
2 / 30VIEW ALL
"I am horrifically ballsy in every way except telling a waiter they got my order wrong"
3 / 30VIEW ALL
"This tiny baby is an immune system thief and I can't wait to tell it the second it comes out. We have a lot to discuss, actually"
You tell that baby.
On Choosing Your Battles
4 / 30VIEW ALL
"Wow I just learned the hard way that McDonald's doesn't serve fries before 10:30? Looks like we have another battle to fight, team"
Please use your powers for good, Chrissy.
On Ordering Pizza
5 / 30VIEW ALL
"I have come to realize that at some point in the day, I will order and consume a pizza so it might as well be in the morning"
As long as we're all being honest.
On Accepting Compliments
6 / 30VIEW ALL
"We know you're great, no need to retweet your compliments just kindly thank the person, buckaroo"
We've all come close to saying this to SOMEONE at one point or another.
On Targeted Advertising
7 / 30VIEW ALL
"Are Instagram ads tailored to you because mine are all seasonal sadness and Taco Bell"
Ours too, Chrissy. Ours too.
On Artistic Inspiration
8 / 30VIEW ALL
"The sound that a dropped Wheat Thin makes is different than anything else. If I were a music producer, these would be my beats."
Points for creativity.
9 / 30VIEW ALL
"I see your laziness, and I raise you 'Just called reception to find out my room number.'"
We've all been there.
On Plastic Surgery Rumors
10 / 30VIEW ALL
"don't u think that if i took the time to get cheek implants i would have also had my jaw shaved down"
No, she hasn't had work done. And don't you think she would have told you if she did?
On Taking Things Too Personally
11 / 30VIEW ALL
"I'm sorry that my typos hurt you on a personal level."
Happens to the best of us.
On Her Beauty Routine
12 / 30VIEW ALL
"Just tried to take my fake eyelashes off but they were my real eyelashes. Needless to say I now have no eyelashes"
Monday, am I right?
On Faking It
13 / 30VIEW ALL
"My whole life is pretending I listened to voice mails, so I get it"
14 / 30VIEW ALL
"I always have a note in my pocket that says 'John did it' just in case I'm murdered, because I don't want him to remarry."
15 / 30VIEW ALL
"I like to send John nudes and say, 'Sorry, wrong person'"
We're sure he appreciates that.
On Her Hidden Passion
16 / 30VIEW ALL
"I have a secret passion for movie continuity errors."
On Accepting Your Shortcomings
17 / 30VIEW ALL
"Can someone with a butt tell me what it's like to have one? Preferably the cons?"
You're gorgeous, girl.
On Maintaining Friendships
18 / 30VIEW ALL
"I like your photo to let you know we are still friends even though I don't return your messages"
And we thought we were the only ones who did this.
On Parenting Anxiety
19 / 30VIEW ALL
"When my avocados go bad I feel like I'll never be a good mother and get noticeably distraught."
Well, Chrissy, we know you'll be an incredible mama.
20 / 30VIEW ALL
"Update: 3-legged dog cannot swim"
Out of context, it's even funnier.
21 / 30VIEW ALL
"Would never be a scientologist but offended to never have been asked"
When you put it that way ... us too.
On Surprise Releases
22 / 30VIEW ALL
"Go to bed so I can drop my mixtape."
On Just Not Giving a F**k
23 / 30VIEW ALL
"Officially given all the f**ks. Actually you stole them. But they're gone either way."
24 / 30VIEW ALL
"You always said 'Take me home!' on your covers, but no one did, SkyMall. No one did."
RIP to all the left-behind copies of SkyMall.
25 / 30VIEW ALL
"If SoulCycle doesn't sell Soul Psycho shirts, what do they sell?"
Nothing as good as those would be.
On Watching Sports
26 / 30VIEW ALL
"My vagina hurts when I watch gymnastics."
27 / 30VIEW ALL
"Sweet potatoes are to fries as gazpacho is to soup. Offensive."
No new friends/no new foods.
On Accepting John's Proposal
28 / 30VIEW ALL
"Thank you, Beyoncé, for making marriage seem cool. it's the only reason I said yes."
It's the only reason any of us say yes, honestly.
On Writing Rap Lyrics
29 / 30VIEW ALL
"What rhymes with Ezekiel bread? I'm trying to write some sweet rap beats"
The day Chrissy Teigen's rap career takes off will be a national holiday.
On Mastering the English Language
30 / 30VIEW ALL
"Doing some deep research"
Chrissy is always asking the hard-hitting questions.