It starts subtly. You first notice it when strangers address you. Gone is the casual paternal tone, the “Hey kid," replaced by "Yes sir" and "Excuse me Ma’am." In your grocery cart; hair dye, fiber supplements and heating pads are as much a staple as bread, milk and eggs. No longer is that jump shot or a 300-yard drive a sure thing. Your reflexes slow, your senses aren’t as acute and airplane food starts to taste good. Irony comes in the form of sex, where women no longer need to take “the Pill,” but men rush to their doctor to take a different kind.
Aging. Resistance is futile. A crateful of Botox can’t keep it away. But with age comes wisdom, and patience, and years of experience bucking the system. So you become adept at Photoshop, erasing those frown lines and love handles on your Facebook profile picture. You get a fake ID that lists your age as eight years older to take advantage of senior discounts. You troll the obituary pages; attending funerals to check out the type and level of services offered. And while rock stars led the charge against aging (I hope I die before I get old. Talkin’ ‘bout my generation – The Who), forty years later those same rock stars live out a plushy retirement after selling their angry youth anthems for theme songs on TV.
So whether you acquiesce willingly to the waves of time rolling towards you or fight back with an army of plastic surgeons, personal trainers and spandex; here’s a few signs that age is creeping up on you:
1. Your doctor or dentist is younger than you.
2. You spend more time in the pharmacy than the food section at the grocery store.
- You’re less interested in your abs and more concerned about your prostate.
- No longer a “fox”, you’re referred to as a “cougar.”
- A good night’s sleep is on the same level as sex.
- Your progressive state of inertia is mistaken for Zen-like wisdom.
- Events that keep you out past 11:00 pm happen only bi-annually.
- Making new friends is a low priority unless he/she is a medical provider.
- Fashion becomes more of a literary term; as in “after a fashion, she went to lunch…”
- What’s a “Bad Hair Day”?
- Coins that fall out of your pocket aren’t worth picking up.
- Stuff you had for longer than 5 years is now thought of in sentimental terms.
- You check out the large-font books section at the bookstore.
- You dump the Jet-Ski and motorcycle magazines for electric mobility scooter catalogues.
- You spend less time on Excel and more time on Sudoku.
- Country and Western music becomes appealing.
- Elastic waist bands and thick rubber soles are now part of your wardrobe.
- You’re the target audience for Life Insurance agents, Nigerian scam artists and salespeople for retirement communities.
- A rocking chair is not quaint; it’s comfortable.
- You write notes to yourself – frequently.
- Your children tell you what to do – and you let them.