It’s the biggest news in comic books since Spiderman draped a cape over Barack Obama: This August, perpetual teenager Archie Andrews, after 67 years of back and forth between girl next door Betty Cooper and snooty Veronica Lodge, will ask the raven-haired heiress to be his bride.
Well, what did you expect? In a world where our favorite Friend, Jennifer Aniston, can lose out to a babe who once walked around with a vial of blood around her neck, of course Archie goes for the exotic corner of the love triangle. Not to mention the Lodges’ money.
But let’s think about this: What are the chances the marriage will last? We’re talking, after all, about a guy so commitment-phobic he makes George Clooney look like Alan Alda. Sixty-seven years of shilly-shallying! Imagine trying to decide on a sofa with this guy.
Then there’s the little matter of age. The comic started in 1941, during his freshman year at Riverdale High, which would make him about 82 now—but he still hasn’t gotten out of high school. Is Archie truly ready to accept the responsibilities of married life? He doesn’t even have a job, let alone career plans.
As some of you recall, Veronica’s dad—the one with the billions—has never been an Archie fan. What if he cuts the kids out of the will? (If they’re 82, gotta figure him for at least 100.) We could get into a very bad Brooke Astor-style inheritance situation here, with lawsuits flying and Jughead for the defense.
Here’s another matter to consider: Depending on how you look at it, Archie and Veronica will become either teenage parents or geriatric parents, neither of which is a good idea.
And perhaps most important: What will happen to the friendship of Betty and Veronica? Sure, they’ve been rivals for 67 years—“frenemies” we’d call them today. But they’re still very close.
Is a dithering jerk with criss-crossed marks across his red hair (what’s up with those, anyway?) really worth sacrificing your best female friend?
Veronica, I say – RUN!!! Say no to that proposal! You’ve got looks, bucks, brains…and another 60 great years ahead of you.