NO to the Dog DNA Analysis Kit ($59.95 + $11.99 S & H) Instructions read “Simply swab the insides of your dog’s cheeks” – Right! My crazed Rotweiller Pitbull Whatever pup will surely let me open his mouth and “swab” without mutilating my hands and tearing my face off first! Maybe I can “swab” while I’m brushing and flossing his teeth, he’s so mellow then.
NO “Dog Snuggie” or hip clothing for the pooch. Animals that chase their tails, lick their private parts incessantly in public and sniff strangers’ crotches willy-nilly should not be making fashion statements. Sorry Ms. Hilton, but I’ve yet to see a Chihuahua look stylish in a leopard print. Get over it – a Bassett hound will never be a fashionista!
NO expired boxes of discount drug store chocolates please. If I’m going to indulge my chocolate addiction, go on a major sugar bender and end up in the diet ditch – I’ll go down with the swanky gold stuff (Godiva as in God) so I can feel guilty about the small fortune spent, also.
NOPE to the hokey jokey T-shirts. “I’m with Stupid” is redundant for most of us. Duh!
NIX-NAY – Enough with the recycled curly bow "spa" baskets! Soap is soap and I say it’s boring! Come over and give me a Champagne bubble bath and a hot oil massage if you seriously want to treat me like I’m a VIP at The Breakers.
NO to a goat! Yes, I understand that according to World Vision, “Goats provide milk, yogurt and cheese – and truly change lives.” BUT if you give me a goat for Christmas, I swear on a stack Farmer’s Almanacs, I’ll never speak to you again -not even on Face Book. (FYI: 7-11s provide milk, yogurt and cheese plus highly entertaining tabloids and nifty lottery tickets, too – and they won’t crap on your carpet, scare the poor cat silly or eat the TV remote.)
NO self-published autobiographical tomes please. I don’t have the time or inclination to even skim the instructions to my cell phone – and my life depends upon that. Reading about your madcap adventures with Grandma at The Mall of America three summers ago just doesn’t scream “High Priority.”
NO bizarre personal care items such as “cordless ear wax cleaners” are remotely acceptable as holiday gifts. “Powerful, yet gentle, suction” should not be used on the ear unless your I Pod headphones have embedded themselves in your ear canals. Hygeine is so passé.