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How Not to Act Old in Bed

Take off the nightgown (that tee shirt, those socks . . .)

By Pamela Redmond Satran • Guest Writer

Photograph: Photo by iStock.

For more, buy humorist Pamela Redmond Satran’s book, How Not to Act Old.

DON’T CALL IT “IN BED” – Or “sleeping together.” Or “making love.” You and your mate of 25 years there, you’re banging each other. Or, utilitarian-like, having sex. Or hey, you’re fucking that dude. (I know, I’m cringing too.)

TAKE OFF THAT NIGHTGOWN (THAT TEE SHIRT, THOSE SOCKS….) – Yeah, I know it’s chilly in your bedroom. I realize that ever since you had the kids, you’ve gotten used to wearing actual nightwear. I know you think you look sexier when you’re covered from your collarbone to the middle of your calves. But remaining clothed except for the essential bits when you have sex kind of went out back in the 1840s, in a log cabin on the plains, in a snowstorm, when you likely had your grandmother and a wayfaring stranger snoring beside you.

DON’T YOU DARE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AND DIVE UNDER THE COVERS – Now that the jammies are on the floor, I can just see you grabbing for the light switch and yanking the blankets up to your nostrils. No, baby. You’re nude and you’re proud. You are too!

NEVER TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM – You might not even know him! Equating sex with any feeling more intimate than, "Hey! You have a hot ass!," is sooooo analog.

DON’T TRY TO TELL ME IT’S JUST AS GOOD IF YOU DON’T COME – That’s totally eighties, girl. Or even forties. Orgasm equality is now considered an absolute right, and if you decide to follow no other of my directives, you must follow this one.

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