There is a kind of girl who’s always liked to talk about her period: how she can’t wait to get it, when she’s having it, how bad her cramps are, where she buys her tampons, whether she’s late, how heavy her flow is, when it’s slowing down, and what it feels like when it stops altogether.
And to all that I say: lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.
In other words, I don’t want to hear about it, okay? When did menstruation, or the lack thereof, get to be a topic for polite conversation? I guess around the time they started running ads for tampons on prime-time TV. But to me it’s just, ew, gross.
But it seems to me the only thing more boring and unseemly than discussing getting your period is discussing not getting your period. What’s so interesting about menopause, anyway? What is this wisdom they keep talking about, this freedom, this huge change that demands hormones—or maybe not hormones—sorry, I can’t keep track.
Some of you might say my position on this issue is old, and that the modern stance is to be openly affirmational about the feminine circle of life. Well, I can get all woman-y with the best of them, girlfriend, and I get that public is the new private. But I still say keep the whole blood-in-your-cooter thing to yourself.
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From How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame by Pamela Redmond Satran. Copyright 2009 by Pamela Redmond Satran. Published by Harper Paperbacks, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
To buy the book, How Not to Act Old.