You long ago figured out the internets. Have gathered a couple hundred of your closest friends on Facebook. And now you’re tweeting — assuming you’re doing it, you know that’s the verb for using Twitter — which makes you feel oh-so-young and groovy.

Except….you’re tweeting old.

How do I know?  Because I’m following you.  And every time you tweet that you’re….

— Cooking chicken for dinner
— Driving the kids to school
— Heading to the gym
— Cleaning a closet
— Or planning a night out with your husband

....you sound old old old.

Why? Because Twitter, right now at least, is really a professional tool. It may ask you what you’re doing, but it doesn’t really want to know. And neither do we.

That’s why Twitter makes you feel so asinine when you first start using it: You find yourself detailing the most boring, mundane events of your day, because you take seriously the Twitter command to write down what you’re actually doing.

And then, if you’re smart — or if you’re reading How Not To Act Old — you catch on that Twitter is really all about letting other people know how savvy and well-connected and clever and plugged-in you are, all, of course, in a completely low-key, under-the-radar, provocative-yet-cool way.

That’s why the median age of Twitter users is the oldest of any social networking site, and also why my 16-year-old calls it "whack" and "lame."  Also, with everyone from your colleagues to your current boss to the boss you wish you had following you, you owe it to yourself to tweet about that awesome story you read on Mashable, not what you’re cooking for dinner.

Next: How Not to Act Old on Facebook.

Along with this exclusive column for MORE.com, Satran offers additional up-to-the-minute tips at hownottoactold.com.

Check out Satran’s hilarious book, How Not to Act Old.

Do you tweet?  What do you think of the whole Twitter phenomenon? Post your comments below.

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