How Not to Weekend Old

Step away from the Sunday paper…

by Pamela Redmond Satran • Guest Writer { View Profile }
Photograph: Photo by iStock.

1. Don’t Go Home after Work on Friday  Instead, head to the nearest bar with colleagues and slam back enough drinks to achieve oblivion

2. Don’t Maintain Professional Distance between Yourself and That Hot Coworker  Once oblivion has been achieved, you can retreat to a dark corner and “accidentally” start making out. You didn’t plan it! Nothing really happened! On Monday you’ll both act as though it were but a dimly remembered dream.

3. Don’t Bounce out of Bed on Saturday Morning  Sleep late. Keep sleeping. Zzzzzzz. If it’s before noon, you must stay horizontal.


4. No Chores  Forget any notion that weekends are for catching up on laundry, going to the grocery store, cleaning the bathroom, cooking for the week ahead, paying bills, or anything else “productive.” Weekends are for playing video games, shooting hoops, doing sun salutations, shopping for shoes, or sleeping on the beach.


5. Don’t Stay Home on Saturday Night  You don’t want to be home in your sweatpants with your feet up, drinking a nice glass of Scotch and watching the first season of Mad Men, do you? Shut up, you do not! No, you want to be wearing a sequined miniskirt and high-heeled sandals and going to a club! You want to be playing pool, slamming back Jell-O shots, and dancing to My Chemical Romance!


6. Do Not Read the Sunday Paper  As a journalist, this one physically pains me. But the fact is that while almost everybody over 40 reads the Sunday paper as religiously as our parents went to church, most younger people don’t bother, believing that if anything truly important happens, the universe will text them the news.


7. Don’t Cook Dinner for the Family  Invite the grandparents, the aunt and uncle, and their kids over for Sunday dinner? Roast a chicken, bake some brownies, spend all day first getting the house ready for guests and then cleaning up after them? That’s for people who believe in sacrificing themselves for worthless rituals. And you, well, you have better things to do—like eat the brownies.  

From How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame by Pamela Redmond Satran. Copyright 2009 by Pamela Redmond Satran. Published by Harper Paperbacks, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
To buy: How Not to Act Old.

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