Barb Best * 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner
 

• You are beginning to perspire and if that keeps up, dang it, you may want to take a shower later. (Way too time consuming, will cut into TV watching time)

* You are turning red, white or blue – or all three. (Purple is not your color!)
 

• "The Big Loser" crew is stalking you. Run! (If you can…)

* Your sports bra is so tight you bruise a rib when you cough.

* Your thighs are bouncing as much as your breasts and each need their own sports bra.
 

• Your trainer is screaming at you to forget the whole fitness thing.

* Your left foot and your gluteus maximus are numb as a doorknob. You suspect a mini stroke.

* The elastic on your sweatpants is causing colon cramps.
 

• Your I Pod earphones have melded into your ear canals. (You literally can not get "Poker Face" out of your   head!)

• You spot Jillian Michaels entering your gym. (Quick, call an exorcist!)

* The shooting pains in your left boob indicate a cardiac arrest.
 

• You are so ravenous you jump in your car and wolf down a dozen butter cream frosted, red velvet chocolate    chunk cupcakes. (You deserve a reward!)