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Dear Dieter

Dear Dieter

Dear Dieter,

We’ve been bamboozled. We have been hoodwinked, flimflammed, duped, snowed and swindled out of time, money and hope.

The Diet Industry reaches into our wallets and snatches up 70 billion dollars a year. The results of that investment? The general consensus is that 95 percent of dieters gain all the weight back within two years. Can you imagine if computers or cell phones had a 95 percent failure rate? We’d all be Amish in about three days.

Is it our fault? Maybe. Maybe not. Grab a bag of chips and let’s discuss this queasy quandary.

I’ve never stood in a grocery store line up and browsed a magazine stand void of ridiculously thin, gorgeous, sexy women on the covers mixed in with cellulite “tell alls’ of celeb’s gone fat and ugly. P.S. The fat celebs look better than me in a good year.

Movies, TV shows, and pretty much any advertisement feature woman whose body shape represents less than 5 percent of the female population.

In short, 95 percent of us are walking around with unattainable body images crammed down our psyches 24-7. I want to go to the bathroom and throw them all up. To make matters worse, men are visual, and of course, think advertising is true. How do I know this? Because I still see fat, bald men driving shiny, overpriced sports cars in search of the twenty-years-younger hottie.

We’ve come a long way, baby?

Not yet. We can practically Google Earth a view straight up the Pope’s ass but we haven’t figured out how to make brownies calorie free and as healthy as a carrot. I digress, some diet books have the nerve to suggest innocent carrots can be culprits of weight gain.

Depressing.

Even former Jenny Craig spokeswoman, Kirsty Alley couldn’t keep it off. Should we trust advertisements that declare, “Results not typical?” Seriously. How blind are we that we buy into a product that discloses results are not normal? Another way of phrasing “results are not typical” could be, “this person represents an unlikely few who will look super hot after our program. Most likely, it will not be you. You will still be trying to fold that flab of tummy fat back under the waist band of your low rise jeans.”

Until we devise a way to turn croissants into a weight loss product, we’ll continue to eat delicious, fattening, fabulous foods leading us down the road of the permanent extra “ten.”

Why? Because we are eating our emotions? I think not. How about just because food tastes f’ing fantastic and exercise isn’t really that fun. Pass the butter.

If the billionaire, female empowerment Icon, Oprah, with her personal trainer, housekeepers, assistants and chef can’t figure it out, who of us can? Hell, I bet O has someone exercise her legs for her while she sleeps.

So fellow model-body challenged women of the world, save $40 and ditch the diet book. Put down the phone and don’t call 1-800-Jenny. 385 pages of diet book and $135 per week weight-loss food subscription can be traded for one simple formula:

Eat less, exercise more. You don’t need a Ph.D. for the obvious.

If you're not in the mood for that method, just live this truth, “Girls just wanna eat fudge.” Then cancel all your North American TV channels and watch British television instead. Britain’s shows are the only ones I’ve seen that actually employ the other 95 percent of us. Normal women. 

And for me and my extra “ten?” I’m hoping heaven turns out to be a fat-free bakery. Oprah, I'll meet you at the cheescake counter.

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