It’s no longer enough to show up on a first date with clean-shaven legs and hair-free armpits. Even a Brazilian won’t keep you on the cutting edge of the dating market. The latest trend in female accessorizing is vajazzling. Yup, you heard it: bedazzling for your vagina.
Word on the street is that this movement was started by Jennifer Love Hewitt as she was rebounding from a particularly horrible breakup. To get vajazzled, you must first wax off all the hair down there—every last strand. Then, head over to your nearest vagina-bedazzling studio and drop trou. As you lie spread-eagled in front of your vajazzling artist, she will adorn your vajay-jay with Swarovski crystals in the design of your choice for a mere $50.
One all-too-eager blogger got her goods bedazzled, camera in tow (moderately NSFW):
Of the experience, she said, “I left the spa feeling like a new woman. I had a little spring in my step and couldn’t help but think that I would actually do this on a semi-regular basis if I had a man in my life. Why not? Until then, I can keep the solo party going around my disco ball of a crotch.”
While I’m all for doing something extra special for your partner, I don’t necessarily think a crystal-encrusted clam is the way to go. First of all, it seems rather painful. Sex with a vajazzled vagina would be like humping a rock formation—far from sexy, Furthermore, a bout of oral copulation is likely to leave the giver with some neat forehead and/or mouth art. While this might come in handy if he’s short on cash and immediately hocks the used gems, it doesn’t seem particularly attractive or sanitary.
As it turns out, vajazzling is just the tip of the movement to refurbish one’s pink taco.
- Vajacial: A facial for your vagina.
- Vaginal Deodorant: Sprays and perfumes used to make your mons pubis smell like fresh-cut flowers.
- Vaginal Rejuvenation: Laser treatment costing $4,000 to $20,000 to tighten things up down there.
- Labiaplasty: Surgery to remove elongated or irregularly shaped labia to achieve a more youthful look.
- Vaginal Mints: Altoids for your vagina. (Note that since these are basically just a regular mint and are made of sugar, they’ll likely cause a nasty yeast infection.)
- Vaginal Bleaching and Dying: Skin-coloring treatment to transform your crotch into the perfect shade of Playboy pink.
- Nundies and Strapless G-strings: Underwear you can affix directly onto your hoohoo or your pants to ensure there will be zero panty lines in sight.
- Female Urinary Device: You Go Girl makes a pink cup that fastens to your unmentionables so you can urinate where and when you feel the need.
- Clitter: Glitter used to “turn your labia into a yaybia.” Check out this informative ad on the merits of Clitter below:
During a time of recession, I can’t quite fathom the need to adorn my coochie with jewels. I guess wherever there’s a trend to be started or a buck to be made, there’s an insecure (and probably slightly slutty) girl who’s eager to jump on the bandwagon. After all, there’s no better way to tell your honey you love him than with a crystal-covered clam.