Hi Valerie, Your comment: "I just think men are more able to disconnect emotionally. We as females take on too much of the emotional responsibility in a relationship" is so on target! Men tend to close down their emotions and divorce their emotional life from their physical ones. This is especially true if they feel as if they are unable to ‘perform’ sexually. The great thing is communicate. Yes, I know that is easier than said but it is essential. And again, please have your men have a complete medical check-up which includes ging to a urologist as well as your prime care physician.Mention all medications. Blue pills work only if there is a real desire and no fear of failure. Many medications also can cause sexual dysfunction or interact adversely with the blue pills. Kristen Houghton author of "AND THEN I’LL BE HAPPY!" Available at Borders, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and all bookstores.

I know you posted this a while a ago but I just found this forum. You are in the same situation as I am. With a sweet, generous guy but absolutely no intimacy. I feel lonely most of the time and really crave the emotional connection with a man that my relationship lacks. I also have a someone who is "interested" although I have never acted on it. I can’t go the rest of my life like this either. My problem is that I would feel so guilty breaking up an otherwise good relationship. He has tried EVERYTHING and nothing works. It is very depressing but so far I have avoided any meds although my doctor wanted to prescribe them. Don’t try to kill the feelings in you. Talk to him honestly. I am quite sure that if the tables were turned he probably wouldn’t hesitate to terminate the relationship. I am not assuming to know your partner, I just think men are more able to disconnect emotionally. We as females take on too much of the emotional responsibility in a relationship.

i’m sure you’ve already ‘gone there’ but auto-eroticism is a decent alternative until you find the right guy to ‘go there’ with—-

Alice, First, congratulations on releasing yourself from an abusive relationship. Sex with an abuser, addict, or alcoholic most times is surprisingly good because it is a manipulation tool for them and they know it. They use it to keep you from leaving . Second, there are many good sites for peple looking for that "someone." You need to find someone with whom you can build a healthy, normal relationship and intimacy will follow. 63 is still young and you need to socialize through groups which interest you. Example: a friend found her guy through a walking group. They walked and hiked for fun and were just friends until they came to know and like each other. Try a new activity.

I was married for 31 years (!) to an abuser; only good thing was sex….I got a divorce, and …after 5 years of being alone, I may chew the walls pretty soon! I have been celibate because I haven’t found anyone I want to share the most intimate experience with. My sex drive is on "kill" at 63, and I expect it to stay that way. People guess my age at 40; I have my mother to thank for those good genes! On 2 dating sites……ucky….talk about frustrated.

Hi NaKina. As I mentioned in my reply to Karen, this problem is so much more common than you know. But, as I also said in my article, knowing the statistics is cold comfort when you’re going through it. My medical experts assure me that the little blue pills need to be taken for over a month to "start the process" going. In other words, your husband has to commit to taking them faithfully for 30 days in order to see results. If he is affectionate in other ways, like hand-holding, kissing, and intimate touching, the pills will work. Has he had a complete check-up, prostate and all? Is he suffering from depression? These things need to be taken care of first. As an attractive woman with a healthy sex drive, you are in a difficult and hurtful position. If he absolutely will not come around and commit to making this important part of a relationship work, then you may have to make some tough, life enhancing decisions and do what is best for you. ~ Kristen

How amazing – I promise you I thought I must be the only woman in the world dealing with this issue. I cannot believe there are so many of us. I am a 50 year old woman with a very healthy sex drive and a husband of 21 years who couldn’t care less about it. I have begged, cried, yelled, talked till I am blue in the face about it – and I get nothing. He tried the little blue pills but only once – nothing. We sleep in separate rooms and I told him I would come back to bed with him when he was ready to make love to me. That was almost 2 years ago. We have not had sex for over 8 years (we separated for 3 of those years and one of my conditions for coming back was that we fix this problem – I have been back for 2 years). I love this man, but I cannot live like this much longer. How does this happen? I hear friends complain about their S/O’s ‘appetite’ and want to tell them how lucky they are. I need affection – I am a very touchy feely person and I get none of it from my husband – yet he is insanely jealous. How can he expect to keep me if he can’t make love to me?!

Hi Karen. Your problem is not an uncommon one but that is little comfort when it is you who is not having sex. One issue that has to be addressed is has your husband seen a urologist and had a complete prostate check. He needs to have this done for his health and for your sex life as well. he blue pills won’t work if there is a physical reason for his lack of desire. Please do not ask your doctor for something to kill your healthy normal feelings. You would be doing yourself a great disservice. You are right when you say that you can’t go the rest of your life like this. Sex is healthy and normal. As for having an affair, only you can decide that. You are not a bad person for thinking about it nor would you be even if you went ahead with it. Get your husband to a urologist first and then make some hard decisions.

Oh, how glad I am to find someone to discuss this problem with. My husband of 31 years has been completely impotent for about 5 years. He tried testosterone shots at first and that worked for a short time and then that failed. The new "blue pill" drugs do nothing. The problem is that he is past caring. Now he refuses to try anything. I get a peck on the cheek now an then, a hug when he goes to work and one when he gets home and that’s it. My best friend is a man who I would say is "A-sexual". He likes women, but has no sexual urges. He is such a gentle man, I get feelings of love from him, but nothing intimate. I crave a closeness, I crave the old foreplay from years past, our sex was great at one time. My husband and I sleep in seperate bedrooms now. About a month ago an acquaintance who I see occasionally at work asked me if I were happily married. I told him I didn’t think so. To my surprise he asked me if I would sleep with him. I told him no, but since then I think about it a lot. I just don’t know what to do. I am at odds with myself. I don’t want to ruin my marriage, but I can’t go the rest of my life like this. I am thinking of asking my Dr. for some kind of pill that will kill the feelings in me. I am already on depression medicine, high blood pressure, cholesterol, HT therapy.