Hubby Beware: I Shop Alone

Linda Yellin, author of the hilarious new memoir 'The Last Blind Date,' loves being with her husband—except when she's shopping.

By Linda Yellin
Linda Yellin and her husband, Randy
The author, Linda Yellin, with her husband, Randy
Photograph: Courtesy of Linda Yellin

I kept my voice level enough so my words would register, but soft enough so as not to interfere with any REM factor. “Sak’s is having a little sale. I just want to pick up a few things.”

To my surprise, this seemed to get his attention.

He opened his eyes, rolled over, and said the four worst words a woman can hear: “I’ll come with you.”

“That’s not necessary,” I said. “You sleep. Catch up on your rest. It’ll be a treat for you.”

“But I want to be with you,” he said.

While riding the escalator to the men’s department, I watched hordes of women in the handbag section reduced to their most basic survival instincts. A single arm would be draped with three or four bags. The Marc Jacobs disappeared first. The Chloe bags next. The Mui Muis never stood a chance. I wanted to cry.

I spent the morning fighting against men; wrangling over ties, wrestling over shirts, scrambling through a selection of leather wallets, trying to find one big enough to hold Randy’s credit cards, but flat enough so he wouldn’t walk around looking like he had a big growth on his butt.

Meanwhile, Randy tried on pants and jackets, sweaters and blazers, sneaked me into the men’s dressing room for consultations.

By the time I looked at my watch, it was 11:52. Randy had bought three ties and two shirts. And I had eight minutes left of bargain hunting for me.

“I think we’ve done enough shopping,” I said.  

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.

“Really?” Randy said. “I thought you might want to look around for something. How about a blouse? Can you use a new blouse?”

“Not today,” I said. “Thanks, anyway.”

I love the man dearly. I love being married to him. And I hope he believes me this December 26, when I tell him I’m going to the gynecologist.

 

Buy Linda Yellin's new memoir, The Last Blind Date, at Amazon.com and find out more about her at lindayellin.com.

 

 

Want MORE? Check out Tales of a PTA Drop-Out.

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First Published October 3, 2011

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