If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly being hit on by handsome men of all ages—some of whom even make close to $30,000 a year. That’s enough to get you all the salad in all the Olive Gardens across America. Figuring out which of the unlimited breadsticks (if you know what I’m saying) is the onecan be exhausting. But I’ve lived a long life—51 years. And I can assure you that once a man hits 40, he becomes predictable, bloated, sappy and sentimental . . . basically, exactly like Oprah’s farewell special. Here are the top seven reasons never to date him:
1. Too many of them have, by their own admission, given up
Yes, that’s right, given up. A friend of mine once tried to set me up with a guy whose opener—his opener—was that he was “taking a year off to think.” Long story short, while he was thinking, my vagina was hailing a cab.
It’s 57 percent more likely that a man over 40 will think a goatee is a good idea. Well, it isn’t. It’s not like I’m unreasonable. I actually don’t really want a guy with a crazy model body. But is it too much to ask that single men in Los Angeles not dress like homeless surfers?
Between alimony and child support, dating a divorcé can be difficult, and I am often giving them a geography lesson. “Here is Switzerland. No, I am not saying I am a neutral party. I have picked out a wonderful boarding school for your ‘gifted’ children.”
Men in their forties couldn’t care less about American Idol. They much prefer watching a group of fellow old guys fight over who gets to buy an abandoned storage unit. It makes you question whether or not you want them visiting your storage unit.