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Kathy Griffin’s 7 Reasons Not to Date a Man over 40

A comic take on men aging ungracefully.

by Kathy Griffin

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If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly being hit on by handsome men of all ages—some of whom even make close to $30,000 a year. That’s enough to get you all the salad in all the Olive Gardens across America. Figuring out which of the unlimited breadsticks (if you know what I’m saying) is the onecan be exhausting. But I’ve lived a long life—51 years. And I can assure you that once a man hits 40, he becomes predictable, bloated, sappy and sentimental . . . basically, exactly like Oprah’s farewell special. Here are the top seven reasons never to date him:
Kathy Griffin dating tips
Izumi Hasegawa / PR Photos

1. Too many of them have, by their own admission, given up

Yes, that’s right, given up. A friend of mine once tried to set me up with a guy whose opener—his opener—was that he was “taking a year off to think.” Long story short, while he was thinking, my vagina was hailing a cab.

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / olly

2. They try too hard to be young

It’s 57 percent more likely that a man over 40 will think a goatee is a good idea. Well, it isn’t. It’s not like I’m unreasonable. I actually don’t really want a guy with a crazy model body. But is it too much to ask that single men in Los Angeles not dress like homeless surfers?

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / Nagy-Bagoly Arpad

3. They love New Balance

Men born before the 1970s think this shoe makes them look sporty. About as sporty as Miranda Bailey on Grey's Anatomy. . . Hello, murse.

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / Paul Maguire

4. Their balls

I mean, have you seen the balls of a guy over 40? It doesn’t take much. Just check the bottom of his pants leg.

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / Fulcanelli

5. They’ve got too many bills to pay

Between alimony and child support, dating a divorcé can be difficult, and I am often giving them a geography lesson. “Here is Switzerland. No, I am not saying I am a neutral party. I have picked out a wonderful boarding school for your ‘gifted’ children.”

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / NAN728

6. They think Seacrest is a brand of denture glue

Men in their forties couldn’t care less about American Idol. They much prefer watching a group of fellow old guys fight over who gets to buy an abandoned storage unit. It makes you question whether or not you want them visiting your storage unit.

 

 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / Helga Esteb

7. Sex

Gals, he’ll want you to do all the work. Who has the time? Priceline him a ticket to Amsterdam and meanwhile find yourself a younger man who knows how to treat a lady. 

 

Click here to visit Kathy's Web site.

 

 

Next: What to Expect From Your Man at 40, 50, 60. 

 

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Photo courtesy of Shutterstock Images / prodakszyn

Originally published in the October 2012 issue

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