Although sex starts in the mind, it matures, develops, and evolves through communication. To cultivate a fully frisky and enviable Mojo, you’ve got to talk about sex! Good sexual communication will help you create the spicy life you want and deserve, but sometimes it’s hard to find the words—and then figure out how to use them.
First, know that nerves are normal—and that applies to anyone, whether you’ve been with a partner for two months, two years, or twelve years. Even someone who’s well versed in disclosing his or her deepest desires gets tongue-tied from time to time. But take a deep breath, have some patience with yourself, and soon you’ll be verbal in ways that you never dreamed.
If you’re with a partner and you haven’t been engaging in regular, open, and loving sex communication with him, starting to talk about it now may feel a little awkward at first. But it’s important in so many ways. It’s more than about creating just the sex life that you want with your partner—it’s also about creating that intimate connection that allows both of you to have openness in other areas of your relationship, too. The ability to have deep discussions about your more primal and loving moments helps you both to build trust . . . and the more trust you build, the deeper you can go with your sexual explorations!
If you’re not with a partner yet, these lessons still apply to you. (Sometimes, the partner you need to communicate your desires to is actually . . . you!) Don’t let your fabulous singlehood stand in the way of learning good sexy-talk skills that you can put into use later in this book when we get down and dirty with dirty talk.
Okay, let’s get that mind of yours churning out some salacious thoughts!
Opening up the Lines of Communication with Your Lover
When it comes to talking about sex with an intimate partner, the most common concern I hear is, How do I start? We’ll get into more advanced communication approaches in later chapters with lessons on fun and frisky dirty talk, but for now, here’s a basic framework to kick off your conversations.
First, use your journal to write about what’s really working in your sex life right now and what you’d like to change up.
What’s great. Are you satisfied with the frequency of your sexual activity? The playfulness or intimacy of your encounters? The intensity of your orgasms? What else?
What could be better. Are your sex drives out of sync? Do you wish that your lover would initiate more so that you feel wanted? Are you stuck in a routine or having trouble reaching orgasm? What else?
Now, how do you translate these thoughts into a loving discussion? First, you need to choose the right time and place to have the conversation—and let me tell you one thing I know for sure; that right time and place is not naked in the bedroom, before, during, or immediately after sex. It’s too vulnerable a space for you and your mate. Instead, bring it up when you’re both relaxed, perhaps when you’re out to dinner or in front of the fireplace and you’re sharing some wine. As you’re about to broach the subject, find ways to feel physically close to your lover—touch him and allow for time to get comfortable with each other. Remember, this isn’t a board meeting or a contract negotiation! Approach the conversation with love and tenderness. Try not to interrupt. Ask questions. Many people are hesitant to reveal their deepest thoughts out of fear of rejection or ridicule. So be patient, and remember to listen so your partner feels free to be part of the discussion. And most of all, let respect guide you.