For the past few months I was so depressed. I was disappointed and frustrated with my children. I gave my life to them. I’m here in this foreign country to support them, for their future. It’s hard but I gave what I could in spite of the fact that I am sick with Parkinson’s Disease. I work hard to give them better education, that’s the only thing I could give them for I’m not rich. I have four children, two are married and the two are still studying—one in college and one in high school.
Now that they are grown ups, I’m longing and looking for something. I feel the emptiness of life. As if I’m alone, although they are near me but I couldn’t feel their presence. I’m asking myself … is this the fruit of my sacrifices? They don’t care about me, they don’t love me …Yes this was the first awakening … It’s time for me to enjoy life, before I didn’t even want to spend money on myself. I don’t even buy new clothes; all are from a garage sale. In my mind, I’ve given them everything, but all I got is heartaches.
Once I was in Vegas, I won in the slot machine, just a small amount of money but that was the beginning. I was thrilled to the ringing and sounds of slots. It became an enjoyment and fun for me. Most of the time I lose but I keep on justifying it. I don’t regret to lose because it’s my money. I want to enjoy life for my life span is already short due to my sickness. My frustrations were my justification to gamble.
One more thing that I gamble is I want to hit the jackpot .It’s getting hard for me to work due to my Parkinson. I want to stop working but I don’t have savings. My earnings were given all to my children, for their education. As I have mentioned, this is my frustration. I can’t feel their love, their support, or I’m expecting too much.
Now I can’t sleep. I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Am I really happy? I’m recalling memories, when they were kids, all happy memories coming back. I cried because I miss those moments—me as their good mother—the mother who is willing to sacrifice for her children, and that’s still me.
Life is a continuous test. A test how strong and good you are. There are times that you make mistakes but the most important thing is to recognize your error and rectify it. It’s an AWAKENING. I’m still the mother whose love for her children is boundless and endless.