I once read a quote that said to have a child, “is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”—Elizabeth Stone. At the time I was a long way from having a baby, but I thought the quote was beautiful. Now that I’m in the midst of this pregnancy, I realize I’ve never read anything truer.
Even though Little Ricky hasn’t even been born yet and is still as close to me as you can get, I feel like my heart is no longer my own. I have never in my life felt such joy, such trepidation, such amazement, such absolute terror. And all of those emotions can and do happen within seconds of each other.
He kicks me—I’m thrilled.
I feel a weird pang—I’m terrified.
We hear his heart beat at the doctor’s office—I’m ecstatic.
We head in for an ultrasound—I’m worried sick that they are going to find something wrong.
A part of me thinks that it will be easier once he is born. At least then I can look at him and see how he’s doing. But even that won’t be a permanent fix.
I’m starting to realize that this feeling of happy/sad/joyful/terrified is one I’m just going to have to get used to.
He’s not even here yet and my heart is already running way ahead of me out of my body.