Life can be full of surprises; good and bad. I have had my share of both. The best surprises I’ve ever had are each and ever time I found out I was pregnant. The worst were each time I went into my doctor’s appointments and received the news that there was no longer a heartbeat in those lite babies growing in me.
I have had three beautiful children that are the best parts of my life. I had them with my ex-husband and even with all of the traits they have of his, I wouldn’t change one thing about any of them. I am now remarried to a wonderful man and we all live together as a happy family.
My husband and I both love kids. He is a wonderful dad to my children and we both were ready to have one together. It didn’t take long to get pregnant. Then, the s**t didn’t hit the fan, I did. When you are told that your baby, that you just got used to the idea of existing, has died, life is so confusing. You feel like you are drowning and don’t know which way is up in the water.
I have since been through this horrifying situation two agonizing times more. I have heard three different doctors tell me, “I’m sorry, I can’t find a heart beat.” and each of these times was within a year and a half time period. I’ve been through the whole array of feelings; I’ve denied it, I’ve cried, screamed and laughed. I know laughing doesn’t seem like a normal response, but when you go through this nothing is normal.
I am going through all sorts of testing to figure out what is going on. Most people seem to jump to the conclusion that since I have kids, that the issue is with my hubby, but they would be incorrect; my husband has a son from a previous marriage, so it falls back on me again. Many would think that going through all the testing would be stressful, but it seems to help by slowly narrowing the things that could be causing the miscarriages.
Through all the craziness I have always had two things to help me hold on to my sanity: my husband and my three kids. If it weren’t for them, I don’t know how I would have handled things. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, nor do I care. I have, as much as I ever will be able to, accepted these losses. I have learned that today is the only day to focus on. It’s like the saying goes “live life for today” because when you focus on the past or the future, you will make yourself miserable.
Life may be full of surprises, good and bad, but it’s how you learn to hold on to the good ones and live though the bad. The bad surprises sometimes rear their ugly heads in my mind, but I just go tickle my kids and listen to them laugh and then squeeze them like never before. There is nothing that can take away the hurt of loosing my three babies, but I’m not going to let that change the parts of my life that I couldn’t live without.