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A Little Scared

A Little Scared

Okay, so I have a four-year-old daughter and now I’m pregnant again. I never thought I could do it again, but I am and, in a way, I’m kinda scared—not from the pain during childbirth, but what I went through after having my daughter. So this story is about from the first pregnancy to my current pregnancy.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited. When I was seventeen, my doctor told me there was a 95 percent chance I would never have kids, so I use to cry and break down thinking I would never be a mother. My man and I were together for seven years before I got pregnant and he went through all those breakdowns with me.

So my miracle started when my man went to jail for a long time. He was facing twenty-five to life. I prayed everyday faithfully asking God to bring him back to me so we could have a family: Please God, please let me have a child with this man. This is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will give my life to have a family with this man, please let him get out and let us create a family together and you can take my life. Everyday and every night this is what I prayed. Sometimes I would cry this to God; sometimes I would just calmly ask God this.

About eight and a half months later, he got out of jail and within two weeks I was pregnant. He got out May 7 and I got pregnant around May 19. I had the best pregnancy ever—no nausea, no cravings, I gained seventy pounds, and no stretch marks. I had my baby natural and everything was great for about a week or so. I had my baby exactly two weeks and three days before my birthday. So I was bleeding blood clots in that first week, then they went away and I felt fine. My man and I went to a casino for my birthday and on the way there I started to bleed really badly; I went through about twenty pads in the first thirty minutes we were there. I really don’t remember it all but I’m trying to give you a picture of that night, so bare with me please.

My man and I went to the money counter and thought we got $40 in the dollar coin—come to find out we had quarter coins. When we were going to exchange them, I needed to use the restroom and I was kinda dizzy, so he said, “I’ll be right there.” I said, “Okay,” and proceeded to the bathroom. As I was walking there, a lady (I think she worked there) said, “You don’t look too good. Here, sit down in this chair,” and all I remember doing is going to sit in the chair. I woke up on the floor with my man in back of me, surrounded by firemen. I was kinda winded; they were asking me all these questions and all I wanted to know is how I got on the floor. It was so embarrassing; I felt like the whole casino was looking at me. They asked me my name, what day it was, and if I was on any drugs. I was so out of it I barely could get the words out. I remember my man saying, “She just had a baby a couple of weeks ago and she’s bleeding really bad.” I swear it went from two or three firemen to about ten firemen, ambulance men, and casino security.

After they checked me out and I didn’t want to go to the hospital out there, we left and headed for home. On the way there, I asked my man all the questions I wanted to know—“How’d I get on the floor? I was trying to sit in the chair.” He said, “You missed the chair and fainted.” I then asked how long I was out and he said the casino security got scared because, usually when people faint, it’s only for about one or two minutes and I was out for eight in a half minutes. Then I asked him if I was talking; he said no. I said, “Are you sure? I remember saying ‘I can’t go, what about my baby?’ over and over.” He then said, “I was right behind you the whole time. You didn’t talk.” The thing is, I remember talking to someone and saying that.

After I got home we went to the hospital, where the doctor there said I was fine and that I could go home. So I went home. All night I was up and down, going to the bathroom, all night weak and bleeding. Finally the next morning I lost my sight, and my brother and mom rushed me back to the hospital. There I was told if they would have waited any longer I would have died. The doctor said I had about nine to ten hours left in me. The point of this is that I told God he could take my life and It almost happened, but for some reason he let me live.

Now with this pregnancy, I am already hemorrhaging. The baby is fine, but I had to leave work temporarily and get on disability, and I’m on strict bed rest. I’m scared that by having this baby I’m going to go through what I went through with my first baby. But I am still going to have this baby no matter the outcome for me. I’m so excited but at the same time I am very scared. The only thing that helps me is, with this one, God gave it to me without me asking him. It might have taken four years, but he has given me the best and most precious thing—a baby to keep our family growing.

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