It doesn’t mean that, because you don’t hear from me, that I have abandoned you. There are so many things that preoccupy my mind. And since I’m the only person left to clean up the mess I made. By that, I mean returning to a very ugly place and facing what I need in order to set things straight. That kind of scenario means I have to consider what’s best for my children. I owe that to them because I brought them into this world. Everyday I try so hard to let them I know I am here for them and, to me, that’s a priority I owe them because I brought them into this world.
Everything else I do is second to their needs. With that in mind, I have asked my husband to reconcile since it’s what my children want. I owe my children that.
In the wake of doing what I believe is a priority in being the best mom I can be, I cannot pay attention to the very idea that my husband believes he wants nothing to do with me. Why he married me and now dismisses me is perplexing. Overall, that’s his problem. But please know, I have to do what allows me to sleep peacefully at night. In truth, he still wants nothing to do with me, but that’s okay, because I’m a survivor.
What hurts most is when people I cared for are getting fed up with me because I owe it to my kids to offer what’s best for them first, and I’m sorry if I’m not as accessible to the grown-ups who should know better. I may not be the best person, let alone mother, on the planet, but being a parent means that my children’s well-being will always come first. So as the song goes: “Don’t you ever ask them why if you know that they will cry, just know they love you.”
As the U2 song goes, my husband and I got “stuck in a moment” and we can’t get out of it. The only means to an end like this one is getting out of it, which is why I understand my life is in danger … perhaps through death.