Let me just start off by saying, “Fear the MJs.” No, I am not talking about Michael Jackson or Michael Jordan, but now that I think about it, you probably should fear them, too—what I am talking about is the “mom jeans.” Never heard of the term “mom jeans”? Then you probably have a pair or two in your closet—in fact, you may even be wearing a pair now.
Check out this funny video on the dreaded mom jeans. For those of you at work and in a cubicle environment, I recommend you wait until you are at home to watch them because (1) you need to have sound and (2) you will laugh your pants off … but, then again, if you are wearing mom jeans, that’s a good thing.
Here are the modern mama’s rules when it comes to jeans:
First of all, don’t call them jeans. They are called denims. it is kind of like referring to soda as “pop” … you are just outdating yourself and appearing a little old school—but not in a good way.
If you have ANY denims purchased before the new millennium, or in reality, before the last presidential election—get rid of them.
Unless you are a celebrity/rockstar, you should not own any colored denims. (One white pair for summer and one black pair for winter are okay, but they’d better be jet black and dressy, not acid washed and 80s.)
Each pair should sit one to four inches below your belly button and not taper down from your knee (unless they are “skinny denims” that you pair with some ballet flats or boots).
Your denims should NOT, however, sit below your hip bones—unless you are under twenty-five and have abs of steel. Then feel free to flaunt away and the rest of us will just despise you
The hem should sit one-fourth of an inch above the ground. This is sometimes hard to pull off with different shoe heights, but if you can fully see your shoes when standing up—then hopefully you are at a clam bake diggin’ for clams and waiting for the next tide to roll in.
Buy denims by the fit, not by the size on the tag. The old 501 days from the 80s are gone, so your waistline isn’t advertised on the outside tag. This comment goes for clothes in general since there is no universal standard to clothes. denims fit better and look better when they are slightly too big and drape nicely on your curves—rather than all eyes focused on your zipper screaming for air and just waiting to bust out at the seams.
Don’t wear denims with pleats.
Don’t wear denims with pleats. (Sorry, I had to put this one twice, just in case anyone missed it the first time!)
And, since I started off with Michael Jackson, I might as well end with him—if you wear mom jeans—never never never wear exposed white socks with your tapered leg mom jeans—you will just end up looking like the king of pop with everyone within range of your fashion foul wanting you to “beat it.”
Finally, the only thing worse than a mom wearing mom jeans is a female who is not a mom and still wears them. And for the record—I don’t cook, but at least I clean—and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of mom jeans!