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Fore-Foreplay: This...

Fore-Foreplay: This Ain’t Golf

It should be noted with nary a trace of irony that foreplay is not an exclusive trademark of the golf courses of America. We’d like to see the trademark shifted to all the bedrooms of the world (or kitchen tables, futons, shag rugs, sleeping bags, what have you). And as a matter of fact, should your betrothed materialize before you, ready for some sexing whilst clad in the becheckered paraphernalia of golfing, we heartily suggest that you call Goodwill first thing in the morning to come pick up his golf gear.

But this really isn’t about golf. It’s about the other “fore!”—foreplay, or rather, fore-foreplay: what can you, o enterprising lover of the sensual, do before the foreplay starts to ensure a better bout of ye old sexy-time?  

(Un?)Dress for Success
Because first impressions, even with your One True Love (or Many Provisional Loves—we don’t judge), still count. Do you want your partner’s first sensory input of the coitus-to-come to be of you standing there in dirty work clothes, unkempt hair and mismatched socks? You know that old saying—familiarity breeds contempt? Try getting laid looking like you just came off of a twelve-hour shift at the Filtho-Mart, and you’ll find out the hard way. So, put on something nice. Give your partner an eyeful before they (hopefully!) get a mouthful. 

Hygiene
We’re gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you already know to wash—with soap and water—before beginning any sort of sexual enterprise. However, don’t stop there—hit up a dash of your sweetie’s fave fragrance (just don’t overload). If you’re a guy, and she has a stated preference for a clean-shaven man, then get to it. If you’re of the female persuasion, then now would be a good time to give the gams a little defoliation. (And if there are pubic preferences to take into consideration, you know what to do.) 

Calisthenics
Sex is exercise. Well, good sex is exercise. Get yourself into a runner’s position and do a little stretching before the festivities begin. It’s better to be limber before the fact, than recoiling in agony when you pull an oblique, groin or hammy. The old fashioned exercises our gym teacher made us do in middle school work great—toe touches, back and hip stretches, even the weird-looking head rolls. Remember: Unlike sports, sex has no disabled list. 

Be Prepared
Have whatever you might need for the festivities within reach:

  • condoms and/or other birth control devices
  • lube (we really can’t stress this enough)
  • sex toys (and replacement batteries, if applicable)
  • cat-o’-nine
  • energy drinks/power bars (if you’re of the long-distance runner variety)
  • wipes to clean up afterwards (or between acts, if you know what we mean)

It sounds simple enough, but there’s no bigger mood-killer than the following words: “Hey, hold that thought while I go look for the lube. I think I left it in the medicine cabinet …”

Check Your Attitude
Don’t assume that, just because you’re in the mood and ready to pounce, that your partner is as well. Sexual arousal, contrary to popular opinion, does not materialize by whim or command (well, not without extensive training, but that’s a whole ’nother column). And don’t assume that because you’ve been having amazing sex for the past dozen years, you don’t still need to engage in some (re: lots) foreplay in order to get the ol’ motors revving.

Socks
This one’s specifically for the guys. Take your socks off. Trust us. She thinks it’s tacky. And no, you don’t need ’em for traction. As Jeff on the BBC’s Coupling said, “no self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her”. And if you need us to explain what “the squelchy” is, then you may as well leave the socks on.

Turn Off the TV
Look, we all love Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns, but there’s a time and place for that—and the time is not sexy-time. However, if you ever want to experience a soul-crushing blow to your ego, leave it on—but you’d better be at your best, or else you may catch your partner getting their Borg on. If you really, really can’t bear to turn it off—put on a DVD that will turn you on, so that you’ll at least get some sinspiration! 

Ambience
If the last time you made changed your linens was during the Reagan era, it’s time to clean house. Lose the Scooby Doo sheets. Dust. Vacuum. Nothing says coitus interruptus quite like your partner accidentally gagging on the fur ball Fluffy left on your quilt five days ago. Likewise, spiff up yon bathroom. Water games are lots of fun, but soap scum, mildew and a half-inch layer of furch caught in the drain are not—we repeat NOT—aphrodisiacs. And if you don’t have time for an all out cleaning—unscrew the lightbulbs and light a couple of candles to detract attention from Ye Olde Dust Bunny Shoppe. 

Remain (Reasonably) Sober
Here’s the rule: If you’re too drunk to drive, you’re probably too drunk to ride. People don’t always make the best decisions while impaired. A glass or two of vino to get loosened up and in the mood is fine. Downing half a dozen tequila shots in rapid succession? Not recommended. Cleaning up puke does not qualify as foreplay. And that’s assuming all pertinent bits and pieces will still be fully functional after copious consumption of alcohol.

Originally published on Sexis

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