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Don’t Blow It

Don’t Blow It

Sex is a vital part to a healthy relationship, and exploring each other's bodies is just part of the fun. Our panel of relationship experts weighs in on what's to be expected and where to draw the line when it comes to oral.

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Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I love performing oral on one another. I don’t like to swallow, and although he says it still feels great, he tells me (in a nice way) it would feel even better if I would just “finish the job.” I know this debate isn’t really anything new, but I’d be interested in hearing your opinions on why guys can’t just be happy with a blow job minus the swallowing. Am I a horrible girlfriend? I have friends who won’t even give blow jobs, so I feel like doing it this way with some hand help at the end is still good.—JG, Chicago, Illinois

The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
Though I’m no expert on this one, I will point out a giant red flag that you might want to use to help clean up this mess. I hope I’m right on this! ALL guys don’t think that the only way this can be “complete” is if you swallow. I really and truly hope that there are perfectly nice guys out there who will be completely satisfied with a girlfriend who loves to perform oral. Come on, guys, write in on this one!

So if this guy can’t be happy with a simple BJ and his only retort is that this is what ALL guys want, his argument seems weak to me. It is, however, what he wants. Only you can decide if you’re willing to give it to him. Guess you have to balance out his request with your level of comfort.  Other than that, I’m going to have to politely defer to the wisdom of my colleagues on this one. Word of mouth is that they’ll have a lot more to offer than I do.

The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
That’s great you two love oral so much. Now, stop with melodrama. You even said he still compliments you, but in a nice way mentions it would be even better if you swallowed. That’s fair. He’s letting you know how he feels. You’ve let him know how you feel about not swallowing … isn’t he allowed to have a feeling on that? Your boyfriend loves that you do this for him and he reciprocates such delights for you.

Asking if you’re a horrible girlfriend is an exaggeration and you know it. It’s playing the martyr. So is comparing yourself to your girlfriends who won’t do it. Do you love doing this for him or not? What your girlfriends do or don’t do is irrelevant to what comes between you and your boyfriend.

On to the solution. Men like to feel like kings. When our beloved girlfriend is prostrate at our prostate, you make us feel like royalty. He appreciates your effort, but your rejection of his end result makes him feel more like a clown than someone wearing a crown.  There’s no direct equivalent example for you but imagine this. He gets done with you down under and lets out a “Yuck!” and bounds to the bathroom to wash his mouth. This is a bit extreme, but you get the idea. Even though it felt good, you’d prefer he didn’t end it that way, right?  I don’t know why you don’t like to swallow, and I admit I don’t deal with that, so I don’t know but ... it ain’t the end of the world. Semen is not unhealthy, it’s virtually calorie-free, and it’s delivered in a relatively small dose.

That said, you don’t like it and so you shouldn’t have to swallow every time. Try making it an occasional deal. I’m sure he’d appreciate it a lot.  Relationships are about giving, taking, and compromise. So suck it up—even if it’s just once a week.

The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
Listen, JG, I get it. The sheer velocity at which that stuff comes at you can be daunting. (Or so I hear.)

I don’t think you’re a horrible girlfriend … as long as you’re not constantly talking about how gross it is and how horrible it tastes as your excuse for not finishing the job. That’s just insulting. Your mention of friends who won’t even give blow jobs leads me to believe that you think you’re doing your boyfriend some sort of favor by going down on him. And no matter how generous the favor, nobody appreciates a favor that’s done half-assed. That said, “half-assed” does not necessarily mean not swallowing. More on that in a moment.

Given how you’ve phrased your question, it kind of seems like you might be one of those women who only condescends to give blow jobs on the third Wednesday of alternate months, only between 10:31 pm and 10:37 pm, and only if it’s not raining. Basically, you like to do things on your terms, which seems a little unfair. Can I get a little more enthusiasm, please? Shouldn’t it be fun to do dirty things with/to a guy you like? Most guys I know say that when a woman is turned on by giving oral, it turns them on even more. And the more turned on he is, the more open he’ll probably be to a few swallowing alternatives. There are all sorts of creative ways to make your boyfriend happy without having to, you know, drink his Kool-Aid. I mean, you’ve got boobs, right? Your boobs are kind of close to your mouth. You do the math.

But creative solutions will only get you (and him) so far. Half the fun is keeping it interesting and not falling into the same old boring routine every time. Last time I checked, semen wasn’t toxic, so it certainly wouldn’t kill you to take a little for the team every once in a while. (It can’t be that bad—Epicurious.com did a whole post on cooking with it.)  Stop being such a priss, JG. If you love it as much as you say you do, you’d do your boyfriend a solid every once in a while and enjoy his cocktail. I’m sure you don’t always taste like a cinnamon bun or smell as fresh as a daisy, but it sounds like your boyfriend perseveres without complaint because he likes you and he likes doing it for you. Maybe you should try doing the same, even if only every once in a while.

The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
No, you’re not a horrible girlfriend. How many times has he asked you to “finish the job?” If he’s so into you finishing the job, try out one of these options:

Option 1: Next time he tries to finish in your mouth, don’t swallow and try to kiss him. Then see what his reaction is. I’ll bet he’ll have a whole new understanding of your point of view.

Option 2: If that doesn’t work, you can tell him what you told us here and remind him that he should be happy to even get a BJ at all.

Option 3: Do it and see if you like it or if you throw up all over him. (That’s called a Roman Shower, by the way.)

Option 4: End this argument by telling him it’s never going to happen so he can get over it or move on.

Option 5: Insert the Nike slogan here.

What’s my point to all this? You know what you want to do and what you don’t want to do. Don’t be afraid to experiment, but don’t be afraid to draw the line, either. He may be seeing how far he can push you, so you need to be able to set boundaries.

 

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