I am a heterosexual female in my late twenties. I haven’t dated a man seriously in about a year and I don’t have any prospects on the horizon. Lately I find myself fantasizing about women, not so much about dates with women but sex with women. I’m still attracted to men and as far as long-term companionship goes, I know I want to be with a man, not a woman. Do you think this means I’m gay? Bi? Or maybe I’m just curious and bored? Also, I’m wondering if I should I act on this fantasy. I’ve had some pretty racy fantasies about men before but I never acted on those, so me acting on this now during my dating drought seems irresponsible somehow. Please advise. —LL in Miami, Florida
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
LL, the idea of black and white versus gray seems to be a theme this month. Sexuality is a continuum, baby. What rocked your world at thirteen is not usually what gets you going at twenty-five. I had a huge crush on Fonzie from the TV show Happy Days at thirteen. Not so much anymore.
Fantasies are like dreams—what exactly they mean is open to interpretation. Some are meant to be followed, while others remain alive only in your mind. One of the many options you have before you now is to simply enjoy your girl fantasies. (Though part of me wonders how you can be so sure that you are not interested in women.) Another thought is to check out the lesbian and bi scene in your area. Don’t worry, only the really hard-core lesbians ask for commitment on the first date and bring their U-haul to the second date.
Don’t fear your fantasy life. And if you feel drawn to act on it, I hope you don’t let your preconceived ideas hold you back. As the good ole Kinsey scale research indicates, very few of us are 100 percent straight or gay. Most fall somewhere in the land of luscious grays. Whether your next fantasy or actual date is with a woman or a man, I hope it’s “grayalicious.”
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
I have to admit this initially read like a Penthouse forum question. (Ahem, er, so I’ve been told.)
Going against the natural heterosexual male urge to ask you to go into specific detail about said fantasies, while speaking slowly and acknowledging what everyone is wearing, I will get real … and so should YOU.
Fantasies are fantasies. I give much more weight to actions and since you’ve never acted on them with either sex, there’s not much to evaluate. I think “gay” and even “bi” seem unlikely. “Curious and bored” along with your self-proclaimed heterosexuality seem more on point. More important than the labeling, though, is the answer to what action you should take, if any.
I have no problem with you exploring something as long as you’re honest with yourself and anyone you “experiment” with.
As you know, you’re not obliged to act on your fantasies and most often the best part of fantasies is that you don’t have any real-life consequences interfering with them. Movies, Web sites, and magazines—like say … Penthouse—make lots of money off selling and stimulating fantasy. (Or, er, so I’ve been told.)
Curiosity killed the cat and if you’re bored, then you’re boring. (Or so I’ve also been told.) For most of us, curiosities and fantasies are essentially everlasting but boredom shouldn’t ever last long.
More important than getting busy with men or women, is getting busy with you. No more boredom. Enrich and live your life. Unlike cats, you only get one.
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
If I had a dollar for every amazing, kind, smart, hot, funny, single woman I know, I would not be writing this column. I’d be sitting on the patio of my ginormous villa in Lake Cuomo, Italy, perhaps waiting for my dreamy lover George Clooney to pop out of the shower so we could enjoy some ridiculously expensive caviar and champagne. (“Oh, George, darling, we’re so RICH! Let’s roll naked in money!”) If I had a dollar for every amazing, kind, smart, hot, funny, single, MAN I know, I’d have … $2—one for Chris and one for Darren.
My point is, I’ve felt that feeling of not having a single prospect on the horizon. And during these times, I’ve often thought about how nice it would be to have the best of both worlds. I’ve found myself staring at women on the streets: could I be attracted to a woman? Is it so selfish to want it all—that great connection I have with my women friends (and some men too) and sweaty, hot, marathon sex with a man? I’ve tried to make the worlds collide in my fantasies, but it just never works out. The man always wins. I want a committed relationship (and the sex with all those descriptors) with a man, not a woman—no matter how sexy I think Sienna Miller and Kate Beckinsale are. But you, my dear, keep coming back to it, so I think it’s worth pursuing.
You said you’re bored and that you’ve had racy fantasies that you’ve never acted on. Even a poor-man’s Dr. Phil could connect the dots on this one: stop being bored and go make one of those fantasies happen, with a man or a woman. I’m all for true love and commitment, but with not a prospect in sight and a head full of fantasies never acted upon, I say have a little fun. You don’t have to have sex necessarily, just be daring, whatever that is for you. But if you’re daring with a woman, be fair to her and let her know you’re a first-timer and not sure where you’re going with it. Have fun. And as my fellow-southerner friend BTB likes to say: “Don’t be dumb, girl, get ya some.”
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
LL, let’s think about why you’re even asking this question. Is it because you’re so frustrated with men these days that you’re thinking there just has to be something else out there? Is it because you think other people “just wouldn’t understand” if they ever found out? Or is it something else? Maybe the only reason you can’t imagine a long-term relationship with a woman is because your past relationships have only involved men. Did you think of that? Clearly those have not worked out so well or we wouldn’t be talking right now.
I’m just sayin’, some girl-on-girl playtime may be just what the doctor ordered. Besides, you’re doing yourself an injustice if you don’t act on your impulses here. Get selfish, do what comes natural, and let yourself go. Just remember, there will be someone else involved in your tango so try to make sure they know you are exploring a new side of yourself. If not, you run the risk of hurting someone else for the betterment of yourself and that’s just rude.
Life is about experimenting. We get one shot at being young and we don’t want to look back at the end of the road with regrets after gravity has taken over. Besides, say you tip your toe in the pond only to further prove you’re a 100 percent man lovin’ female, there’s not a man alive that won’t be hard as a rock when you tell him you’ve tried it with another woman. Go for it and report back to DivineCaroline about your experiences.