My girlfriend and I have sex regularly. And by “regularly,” I mean every day, sometimes two or three times a day. I know that I’m a lucky man to be with someone who has such an active libido, but truthfully, I can’t keep up. Sometimes I’m just not into it because I’m tired or had a long day, and we have sex so often that I get sore at times. I’ve tried talking to her about it and have been completely honest by telling her that it’s too much for me, but she thinks I’m joking; she thinks that every guy should want sex whenever a woman is in the mood. We’ve been dating for about eight months, and it doesn’t look like her desire is going to decrease. Any advice?—TO, Champaign, Illinois
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
As you know, it’s rare for the man to want sex less than the woman, so I’m afraid I’m not going to be very understanding of your position here. I don’t like the “I’m tired” excuse from women and I don’t like it from men either.
There are things you do to take care of a relationship, things you do that you may not enjoy, but you still do them because it makes your partner happy. Having sex is one of them and it isn’t such a tough sacrifice if you ask me. (And you have.)
Find other ways to satisfy her needs if you can’t perform intercourse as often as she’d like. You’re a grown-up; I’ll let you figure out what those ways might be. That said, she doesn’t necessarily have to get it three times a day. She should compromise a bit here. I mean you two do have jobs, right? You’re only eight months into this relationship, so it may be that you’re just not compatible. All you can do is give it your best shot—as often as you’re able to.
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
Wow, three times a day? Twenty-one times a week? You’re outpacing the highest estimates of how many times per week the average person has sex (twice appears average, five is high) by more than four times. No wonder you’re sore.
Here’s a bold idea—why don’t you just tell her no every once in a while? Or offer an alternative? Right now it sounds like you’re telling her you’re not in the mood and then just giving in, which probably means some of the sex you guys have looks like it’s straight out of a sex education film from 1956, where the voiceover gently tells the woman it’s her duty to satisfy her husband’s manly needs whenever he has them. I hate to say it, but you’re the 1956 housewife in this scenario, TO. Basically, you’re staring at the ceiling (or the headboard), ticking off how many thrusts you have until you can go to sleep. I don’t think I need to tell you that it shouldn’t be like that.
Maybe you’re not saying no because you don’t want to be the guy who says no to sex. So maybe you need to try a compromise on, say, half of those twenty-one times each week. Say no to sex, but say yes to other ways to please her that don’t involve the anatomy below your belt. And talk to her about this so she knows that you’re into her physically (you are, right?) and that you care about her. You’re not the first couple in the world to deal with this; I’d guess that almost all couples have differences of opinion as far as what each of them considers normal in the “how many times per week” area. You may never come to an agreement that makes of both you happy, but you have to talk about it or you’ll eventually have a meltdown and explode. And you won’t explode in a fun way.
The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
Hey TO, looks like you’re calling a TKO, which is short for “technical knockout” and takes place when you’re judged unable to continue boxing. Let me just say that I hear you and I believe you. I really believe you.
A couple of things come to mind. I wonder if this sex-loving gal has been in relationships before where she’s had this much sex each day. And if so, were the other guys also down for the count after round one?
I guess two things concern me here. One is that your girlfriend doesn’t seem to be taking your needs seriously. I wonder if it’s your presentation style or the fact that she really isn’t hearing you or respecting what you need. Make sure that you’re coming across earnestly and sincerely. Does she listen and respect your limits/desires in other areas of the relationship? The other concern I have is that I don’t understand why you don’t just say no. I know it never really worked for Nancy Reagan, when she tried to get all teens to “Just Say No” to drugs, premarital sex, and other fun vices, but you have every right not to have sex.
So part of this may be her hang-up. I mean, sex doesn’t have to be all lovey-dovey each time, but if she’s continually wanting to engage in a purely physical act of sex when you’re consistently not into it, then Houston, we have a problem. The other thing to ask yourself is this—do you have a heart and soul connection with this girl? Do you want this? Check in with her and see if she truly sees and respects you. If the answer is no, I’d be sore, too.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
Well, your problem is certainly a unique one. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that many women in our audience read this and had a “What the hell is she thinking?” reaction, while many a male shouted, “You’re the man!” Some of us simply responded with “Who the hell has time for sex two or three times every day?”
In any case, you’ve got yourself an active filly on your hands and we need to discuss how you can harness that sexual energy. If she wants it two or three times a day, you’re either doing something incredibly right, or you’re not fulfilling her desires and she comes back time and time again hoping you will. If she has that much time on her hands, maybe you should suggest she take up a few pastimes to broaden her horizons.
No matter what, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to explain to her that sometimes you’re just not in the mood. Do you always accommodate her requests or is it just an unspoken rule in your household that you’ll abide? She’ll likely grow tired of getting it on every time you turn around, so enjoy the ride while it lasts, my friend.